Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — In an effort to build a bridge between food truck owners and brick-and-mortar restaurants, you propose a happy medium: all establishments become delivery services. The truth is, you’d eat out way more often if it didn’t involve that whole “out” thing, and it’s a shame we live in a city where the only thing brought to your doorstep is pizza from chain restaurants and unsolicited advertisements. Business will boom in the wake of your suggestion, but sifting through the ruins of the city centuries from now, sociologists will determine it contributed to mass reclusiveness and disease through hoarding.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — In a lazy show of solidarity with nationwide police injustices or whatever, you decide to take a nap on the courthouse steps under a protest sign that says #slacklivesmatter. Coincidentally, it’s the first day of one of the county license commissioner’s many criminal trials, so the press is abundant. During a lunch break you’re interviewed by a small TV reporter who is wearing a really large bluetooth device. Your aloofness doesn’t make the evening newscast, but a courtesy post on YouTube will inspire an entire generation of activists to do really nothing in particular.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — The conservative leadership in Baldwin County will disband its regional transportation planning authority because ‘gubment. Never mind their Republican representative in Congress, who believes transportation and defense are the only two things Washington is good for. The real threat is a Hillary Clinton administration that will force us to drive on the left side of the road and make all the street signs bilingual. After they dig trenches and invest in razor wire to keep all the unsavories out, they will revert to an agrarian society but the irony is, they will eventually die from GMO intoxication.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Your new diet plan isn’t working out so well. Over the weekend you discovered that Little Caesars has a stuffed crust pizza for only $8. While it isn’t exactly hot and ready, those geniuses can whip one up in seven minutes. You had considered going on a hot air balloon ride at the balloon festival, but now that you are on a stuffed crust pizza diet, riding in a wicker basket supported by a nylon balloon full of hot gas and fire doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — As a former early ‘90s grunge fan you jumped for joy when you heard that “floppiness” was back in style. You’ve been waiting so long to get your flannel shirts, ripped-up baggy jeans and combat boots out of your mom’s storage unit. When you read that “floppiness” is frowned upon at the beach, you’ll decide to move to Seattle and spend the rest of your days hanging out outside the original Starbucks. All those other coffee shops are like so corporate, man.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — When the Mottled Houdan from your exotic chicken collection starts crowing early one morning, you will be paid a visit from your city’s animal control officer. One of your neighbors will be upset at the unusual call that your Polish bird makes every day at 4:43 a.m. You’ve run afowl of one of your city’s obscure noise ordinances and you will be ordered to attend neighborhood noise sensitivity training classes at the local DMV.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — As the U.S. Supreme Court decides this week whether states have the right to restrict same sex marriage, you prepare dueling parties to throw depending on the outcome. The first, for your God fearing friends, is a simple setup of a Yeti cooler filled with Keystone in the back of a pickup truck. There will also be country music and maybe some pond fishin’. The second, for the gay crowd, is a far more lavish affair complete with a buff, half-naked doorman, stage lights, EDM, good champagne and hors d’oeuvres. Despite what you tell your Catholic in-laws, you’re hoping for the latter.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — Hearing the news that a county-appointed board essentially leases out land intended for environmental mitigation as a hunting camp, you question the motives of those behind the arrangement. In a misguided attempt to gain intel, you sneak onto the property one night under the cover of darkness. It’s cold outside, so before you left, you grabbed a fur coat out of the closet. You won’t realize what a mistake you’ve made until you step into a clearing at dawn, only to pause momentarily to look around when you notic …
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — As a Mobile County soccer enthusiast, you rejoice after hearing a new facility will be built in the area. Unfortunately Fairhope is a bit of a drive, but to prove that you are also an advocate for responsible stewardship of taxpayer money, you support the Eastern Shore facility over a similar facility proposed in Mobile. Meanwhile, a Mobile County Commissioner proposes an economic impact study to determine how much extra revenue gasoline sales generate when soccer enthusiasts drive across the bay to play.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Still angry and jobless, you’ll apply for a gig as a janitor at the creepy temple downtown. You won’t impress in your interview though and will be recommended as a possible replacement for the barrel-chested sphinx statues out front. One of the sphinxes need to be rehabbed, but the temple’s owners decide it would be cheaper to pay you minimum wage than it would be to refurbish the statue. You’ll also have the man boobs for the job. You will be gainfully employed.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You will ignore the massive three-state manhunt in your own pursuit to catch up on “Walking Dead” episodes you missed through the 15 years you were in prison. The AMC show will have become the longest running drama series of all time by the time you get out. You’ll prepare yourself for a lot of binge watching and eating, and will revel in the new television technology that sends the images straight to your brain, instead of having to watch a monitor.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — You’ll make waves again in Fairhope when you attempt to hold a book signing at a local bookstore for the adult magazine of which you recently graced the cover. The store will give a hard pass on your offer, but it won’t stop you from setting up outside with a cheap folding table. Confused Eastern Shore moms will at first let their children approach, until they figure out what you’re signing. You will make headlines again for all the wrong reasons.
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