Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — An errant foul ball will hit you in the face, as you attend your first Mobile BayBears game of the season. The dirt-covered ball will bust out your front teeth, leaving an Alabama-sized gap and revving the engine on your gag reflex. That’s what you get for bringing the family to a baseball game. It was charity night as well, so a discount was given for items you brought for the less fortunate. Stop trying to be nice, you fool.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — You will catch someone chomping on a MoonPie months after the Mardi Gras festivities have ended. In a fit of rage you will slap the marshmallow confection out of their hand and begin to berate them with words like “tradition” and “fat.” When the 7-year-old girl is done crying you will meet her father, a former Army Ranger. You will run as fast as you can, but he will catch you, pin you down and begin stuffing the sweet treat down your throat.
Leo (7/21 – 8/23) — Your first beach trip of the season will turn disastrous in mere minutes when the Gulf breeze takes away your umbrella and leaves your sleeping body to roast in the midday sun. You will awake at lobster-level doneness, all because you were too cheap to buy sunscreen. On a related note, the shower the next morning should be a fun, pain-filled experience. You will try to unsuccessfully fool your friends by moving your fingers over the keys of a baller player piano at a dinner party.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) — Your concert experience will get exciting when you discover a hint of weed in the air at the Saenger Theatre. You’re down with the bud, but it’s about respect for the sacred institution that is Mobile’s historic music venue. Marijuana at outdoor music festivals is a must, but wacky tabacky has no place near a stage where a tuba is regularly played. But taking on an “if you can’t beat them, join them” mentality your search for the perpetrator ends when you indulge in the bullet-sized one hitter.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Having watched an entire afternoon of HGTV after losing your remote two Saturdays from now, you’ll get inspired to build a bookshelf for the old homestead. Your adventure will end when you fall off an extension ladder, which is particularly alarming because ladders aren’t normally needed in bookshelf construction. Coming home to the injury scene, your significant other will take away your car keys indefinitely and won’t let you play with the children anymore out of fear for their safety.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You will be on a regimen of antibiotics after a future trip to the beach. Unfortunately for you, the medicine won’t be needed because of any ill-advised, but randy activity, but instead from a bad bowl of cold soup you bought from a dude named Hans in the back of a pickup truck in Loxley. Not only will you make several offerings to the porcelain god because of the Gestapo stomping around in your gut, but you’ll lose 15 pounds and the respect of your loved ones.
Sagittarius (11/22 -12/21) — You’ll abandon plans for your trip to Australia after you realize the country might as well be Skull Island. The first two Google image hits you’ll find are a field overrun with small spiders and a single large spider catching a snake in its web. “No thanks,” you’ll say as you adjust your vacation plans to include a nap and a sandwich from Subway right here in the good ol’ USA. It’s also very possible you’ll start playing racquetball again after being taunted for keeping ice cream in the work fridge.
Capricorn (12/22 -1/19) — A wedding weekend will turn weird fast, as you and a long-time friend of the same gender mistakenly room in what appears to be a $60-a-night sex palace. It might be the lingering smell of propane and body odor, the in-room Jacuzzi or the wall-to-wall mirrors, but something will not sit well with either one of you. As the one who booked the room, you’ll feel bad about the boarding mistake, but you’ll sleep significantly better than your nervous friend in the Jacuzzi.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — You’ll head to the voting booth to participate in the primary election this Tuesday, but you’ll be surprised when you see one of the candidates for state senator hiding under a desk whispering “vote for me.” You’ll be in disbelief, but impressed to oblige him by joining his constituency. Anyone with that much spunk can surely stand up to corruption in Montgomery. Besides, he’ll be handing out half sandwiches and you’re only going to have time to vote on your lunch break. It’s really a landmark campaign strategy.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — A terrible glare will be sent your way after a person with a legitimate peanut allergy hears you tell a waiter you have a “gluten allergy.” Knowing that trendy diets can cause a surge of rare medical conditions amongst douchebags, the waiter doesn’t miss a beat as he reads off to you the restaurant’s selection of gluten-free offerings. When you order a beer, the peanut person begins to swell with righteous anger before finally approaching your table to assault you with a loaf of fresh-baked bread.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — After returning to your old ways of prank calling, you’ll find yourself faced with a dilemma. You’ll be offered one phone call at the Mobile Metro Jail after being arrested for harassing communications. It’s there that you’ll have to decide if you want to use that opportunity to call your mother and admit that you’re still a child, or call the police station and ask if they can confirm an order from the “Eastern Shore Escort Service” under the name of your arresting officer. Remember, everyone loves a good joke.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Planning a trip to the beach, you’ll buy lunchmeats and cheap beer. When your car breaks down, the weekend will unexpectedly turn into the inaugural “Drunken Ham Sandwich Festival.” After a few hours, the crusts from the spent sandwiches will begin to attract birds of prey, which leaves you cowering in a hot car. Trying to scare off the birds, you’ll throw empty bottles to no avail. The birds remain steadfast until moments before the police arrive to find you drunk in the vehicle surrounded by litter.
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