Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll have to learn to “let it go” when your vehicle hits a patch of ice and spins for what feels like hours. There’s a sort of calmness knowing there’s nothing you can do and you’ll stop eventually. If you are properly prepared, you’ll play Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” while spinning.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After telling your boss you were too sick to come in on Fat Tuesday, local news coverage will reveal you went to a Mardi Gras street party instead of clocking in for The Man. Instead of a normal punishment, your boss will force you to listen to his country band’s music. By the third cover, you’ll be ready to quit.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be so embarrassed by getting owned by a big-time musician on social media that you’ll delete all your posts, including the ones based on flimsy science and political speculation. There’s no true moral here. It’s just good for everyone you’ve stopped tweeting.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The lyrics “ice, ice baby” will take on new meaning this week when your neighbors’ toddler gets loose and makes a break for it outside. The child won’t make it very far before sliding headfirst down the normally dry street. The little one will finally come to a stop and you’ll scoop her up without incident.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Unable to enjoy your alone time on a lunch break at work due to the winter weather, you’ll finally snap at a co-worker who has been whistling the same tune over and over again for a solid hour. You’ll get so irate you’ll throw an apple at him. It’s the only thing that will stop the insanity.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll relent after years of not allowing your dog on the bed and curl up with the pooch on an extra cold night. The puppy will reward you by whining at louder and louder intervals during the night and puking on your extra warm bedspread.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Sad the new and different Carnival season is over, you’ll decide to leave your Mardi Gras porch parade decorations up through Lent. There’s no reason you can’t let the good times roll while you’re frying up fish on Fridays this spring.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll try to be rewarded big time after placing a prop bet that a streaker will get tackled at an upcoming USA men’s basketball game. To ensure your bet is a winner, you’ll streak across the Mitchell Center court yourself. Unfortunately, nobody is brave enough to lay hands on your nude body and you’ll run freely until you pass out.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You know the songs your country band produces are fire, so when you discover an employee has lied about the use of their sick time, you’ll force them to listen to the latest album from “Contraband” as a “reward” for hard work. They won’t see it that way and you’ll have to part ways.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll have to keep your eyes open and your head on a swivel this week as the area is pounded by a deep freeze and a tornado warning at the same time. The result of the two issues, of course, leads to the rarely seen icenado. The spinning tower of frozen water will be havoc on the roads and even worse for the area’s poor drivers. It also may be filled with angry penguins.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Get ready for a cold dose of reality next week. Yes, it’ll be cold outside, but you’ll need to watch for an upset significant other. Having spent all day last Sunday enjoying Joe Cain Day, you forgot about buying a cheesy card for Valentine’s Day, and now you’re in the doghouse. But you’ll also find out the dog’s not too happy with you either.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — With Jack Frost’s icy grip firmly planted on the throat of Alabama, you’ll wax nostalgic about days at the beach when the heat index was over 100. Of course, when the heat index actually reaches 100 in a few months you’ll complain about that too. Let’s face it, the weather is never going to make you happy.
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