Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — A tussle with a child over the wishbone at Thanksgiving goes your way and you do the smart thing and immediately wish for 100 more wishes. You’ll wake up the next morning with 100 thawing turkeys on your lawn.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Your family will decide to have a “ThanksZooming” where everyone eats from the safety of home while spending time together online. Everything is going fine until your youngest sibling says, “Hey, is Uncle Jimmy pulling a Toobin?” Indeed he will be. Finish your turkey sandwich in silence.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — The age-old battle between canned cranberry sauce and homemade will get out of control this year, as two elderly relatives launch into a heated argument that references voting discrepancies, Hugo Chavez and the MyPillow. You’ll learn canned cranberry sauce can definitely be thrown further and with much more accuracy than homemade.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — By the time you hear the 16th person talk about the “Macy’s Day Parade,” you totally lose it. “It’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! There is no Macy’s Day!!!” you’ll scream at the top of your lungs. Amazingly, your outburst will sweep the nation and by next year Thanksgiving will have officially been changed to Macy’s Day.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Thinking it would be funny, you’ll wear a Donald Trump mask to your family’s outdoor Thanksgiving gathering. The mask will look so realistic though, that your family will believe the president has actually come to dinner and to prevent disappointment you’ll have to do your awful Trump imitation for five hours. You’ll also pardon the already cooked turkey just for fun.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll awake Thursday morning supercharged for that afternoon’s NFL game between the three-win Dallas Cowboys and the three-win Washington team no one has bothered to rename. No one else will care about this horrible game between two loser teams and the TV will eventually be turned to reruns of “Home Improvement.” At least they’ll be the ones where Pam Anderson was the tool girl.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Working from home in the pandemic will allow you to rid yourself of the dress clothes you used to wear to work and church. However, when you decide to attend a professional Zoom meeting in nothing but underwear, human resources will call your cell phone. They simply ask for you to put on a T-shirt going forward.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Don’t let the moment get too big. Always remember to take a breath and let life come to you. You’ll decide to sing karaoke at the office holiday party. The inner battle over which tune in the lengthy song catalog to choose results in the selection of the 1991 Brooks and Dunn hit “Boot Scootin’ Boogie.” It’ll go very well. Your encore will be “Achy, Breaky Heart.”
Leo (7/23-8/22) — After years of patiently waiting and longing, the day will finally arrive. Your significant other will show you the respect you deserve by uttering those three magical words. Those words will make the air smell sweeter, food taste better and fill you with absolute joy. Those words, as we all know, are: “You were right.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Don’t give yourself more than you can balance. Focus on self-care, especially when it comes to defending turkey from the Thanksgiving food haters. Angered by the “turkey is bad” takes on social media, you’ll start a turkey taste advocacy group called the “Trypto-Fans” to help defend your preferred holiday dish. Arguing with people online never makes you feel good, though. You should stop.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by Netflix’s “The Queen’s Gambit,” you’ll immediately start to train your dog to play Monopoly, mistakenly believing that this will bring years of renown to your household. It doesn’t. It does, however, bring a story featuring you to the local newspaper and a lawsuit from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals over the undue stress caused by training.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You can’t please everyone. Keep this in mind this week as you host a Zoom Thanksgiving. It’ll be like the regular holiday, but the food will be worse, no one will be able to hear anyone else and the political arguments will be at an all-time high. The good news is your crazy uncle has to bang his fist on his own table to get his point across.
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