Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While leaving on a much-needed vacation, you’ll accidentally leave your oven set to “broil.” Fortunately, with a longstanding leadership gap filled, the Mobile Fire-Rescue Department will quickly contain the inevitable blaze.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — An extraordinarily avoidable catastrophe will strike as you attempt to rewire a lamp armed with only a YouTube tutorial. Though you’ll survive a fairly significant electrical shock, you’ll be unable to enter a swimming pool through 2018.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Hungover from an unusually eventful National Day of Prayer, you’ll settle in for a Friday afternoon nap. Forgetting it’s Cinco de Mayo, you’ll sleep through all the drink specials — free extra shots in your Starbucks iced coffee.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Defending the honor of your Yorkie will get you in a dustup at the dog park. While running away from your adversary, you’ll twist your ankle and land face first on concrete.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After gaining too much weight eating at fried fish dinners every Friday during Lent, you’ll decide to continue your sugar fast until the middle of June. Temptation is a feisty mistress, though.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll go across state lines to try the lottery. You’ll use a complex system that assigns numbers to the color of ties worn during presidential debates. Surprisingly, the strategy doesn’t pan out.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Recently bonded out of jail for your May Day riot, you get right back to protesting The Man. The Man in this case is Richard Simmons, who is obviously responsible for all the ills in the world following his public disappearance.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll celebrate diversity during Pride Week by experimenting with “the other side.” Instead of eating lunch at Jimmy John’s, you’ll try Firehouse Subs instead.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Eager to relive your glory days, you’ll attempt to enroll in the state’s first public charter school. You’ll be rejected, not for your age but because your transcripts from Lucky’s Online College of Maths & Stuff were unaccredited.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be involuntarily committed to a mental health care facility after mistaking the Gulf Coast Hot Air Balloon Festival for the inevitable alien invasion. You’ll be released after a few days of monitoring, but still have the nagging feeling you were unconsciously probed.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be detained by security at Alabama’s Bicentennial celebration for repeatedly yelling “they’re taking our jobs” at Gov. Kay Ivey while wearing a mask depicting former Gov. Robert Bentley. The “Wanda’s Desk 2018” sign probably won’t help.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — When your incredibly specific business is excluded from the categories of a local reader’s choice awards, you’ll boycott the event along with Mobile’s potential nominees for “best left-handed delicatessen owner,” “most agile podiatrist” and “hottest go-kart salesman named Randy.”