Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll make a sizeable donation to the ongoing efforts to “Save the Crescent Theater” but be sorely disappointed when the iconic downtown film venue announces it will exclusively screen the works of Adam Sandler through 2018.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll enter a local charity version of Dancing With the Stars. As a low-level, local, pseudo-celebrity, even being invited to participate will make your week. Your participation won’t end well, as your partner will go to the hospital after a kick to the face.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Misreading the city’s new Future Land Use Map, you’ll apply to construct a boardwalk along the Mobile River. The idea will gain support and be partially constructed, but the plan will run aground when shipping traffic is delayed. The city will sponsor a controlled burn to end the project.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — White pants after Memorial Day are fine, unless you also wear your patriotic, SpongeBob SquarePants Fourth of July underwear underneath. You’ll cause quite a stir in the neighborhood when everyone can see your red-white-and-blue bikini bottoms. You’ll be discussed at length on the Nextdoor app.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A series of downpours in the next couple of weeks will make the street you live on completely impassable by automobile. With clearance from the city, you’ll completely block off the roadway and make it Mobile’s first canal. It will bring tourists from miles around to the rainiest city in the country.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an effort to make the Grandman Triathlon more challenging, you’ll complete the swim underwater, the cycling portion on a unicycle and the run backwards. Next year, you’ll complete the obstacle course in American Ninja Warrior while hogtied.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Attempting to start a new Memorial Day tradition, you’ll throw a PiChickDog on the grill. That’s a package of hotdogs stuffed into a rotisserie chicken, then wrapped with a $5 hot ‘n’ ready from Little Caesar’s. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After simply suggesting the city pull up its Easter lilies and replace them with summer irises, you’ll be assaulted and harassed by a Fairhope politician. You won’t win the resulting lawsuit, but you will receive a gift card for one free latte with the purchase of another.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that the Saturday farmer’s market has returned to Cathedral Square, you can return to the abandoned Mardi Gras Park for nude sunbathing. But stay away from the shadow of the statue of the guy playing a horn — unless you want to explain that odd tan line to your peers.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A state law mandating Alabama high school students pass a basic civics tests before graduating will backfire when the new requirement gives way to a new generation of better-informed, more-knowledgeable voters who reject political grandstanding and needless mandates at the expense of their flex periods.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll find yourself behind bars after donating $2 to a GoFundMe account set up by a fugitive running from local police. It will seem harmless enough, but local media will later reveal that a $2 seat on a MegaBus secured the gentleman’s freedom and lost you yours.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — During your first trip to the beach this year, you’ll neglect to put sunscreen on your shoulders and wind up ruining what would have otherwise been at least six to seven very enjoyable showers. In retaliation, you’ll use Facebook to organize a boycott of the sun.