Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’re going to be in a rather weird situation soon. You’ll be rolling around in a kiddie pool filled with cranberry sauce. It could be to win a “wacky” radio show promotion, for your own enjoyment or because some young hooligans pushed you into the kiddie pool, but you’ll soon be cleaning cranberry sauce from your belly button and ears. Your sweet scent and leftover sauce will attract many bugs for a few days and at least two people will rub turkey on you.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Preparations for the Iron Bowl are underway. You will have enough alcohol to either drown your sorrows into blackout or enough booze to ignite your obnoxious alter ego that comes out only after your favorite team wins. Learning from your past drunken mistakes, you’ll duct tape your phone to your hand and hide the house keys outside. Go a step forward though. Put a makeshift bed somewhere. In fact, leave several makeshift beds and draw a map on your hand.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — An embarrassing Glamour Shot will come to light after many years of concealment. The denim jacket and American flag backdrop was so chic in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but the look has not translated. Upgrade your look with a few new pieces. Dr. Z suggests a duster, turquoise ring (the bigger the better) and a paisley shirt. Don’t wear them together or you’ll have to beat the admirers off with a stick.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Christmas music already on the radio is driving you slowly insane and it’s not even December. The straw that will break the camel’s back, which is your mental well being, will be when four stations in a row are playing that Alvin and the Chipmunks version of “Jingle Bells.” You won’t be the only person trapped in the psych ward for hearing “Carol of the Bells” for two months.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You will have a hell of a bender and stay up for 24-hour period after your football team wins. A full 24 hours of drinking and no sleep will equal the most horrific hangover recorded in Alabama since 1952. There will be hallucinations and it will resemble something like scarlet fever. The weeklong hangover will have you searching the depths of your soul and swearing off booze all together. However, that first morning you wake up feeling like your old self, you’ll go have a drink with friends.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The walk of shame didn’t get its name as a joke. No one likes walking in the brutal daylight in last night’s clothes. However, you may need to invent a new term for having a walk of shame into your family’s Sunday dinner. Nothing says “Hi grandma” like bed head, bleary eyes and still (let’s be honest) a little drunk. At least this time your family won’t ask if you’re seeing anyone.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Bizarre dreams lead to sleepwalking, which leads to you “meeting” new people. Usually when you don’t remember someone, it’s typically because you were drunk. This time it’s different. People say they met you at the grocery store one night or at a laundromat. So that’s automatically weird. A friend will clue you in when you run into them at the Japanese Gardens … which is a weird place for him to be hanging out.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Get prepared for your family’s annual Thanksgiving drunk fight. Now is the time to start remembering the horrible things to say that you will immediately regret. You should also prepare yourself for the horrible things that will be said to you. In fact, you should start pre-gaming for the dinner now. Don’t forget to work up a little somethin’-somethin’ for Grandma too. She deserves it after last year.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — The worst thing in the world will happen. You will have to go to a wedding with no booze during a football game. There are so many things wrong with this that you will be dumbfounded. Thank goodness for smart phones and your emergency flask or else you might not have made it through the wedding.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You will be forced to keep a horrible secret from your family soon. Upon taking the turkey out of the oven, you will drop in on the kitchen floor. Since you can’t just get another turkey in such a short amount of time, you’ll quickly “dust off” the turkey and put it on the serving platter. With each bite your family members take, the guilt will grow. You will enjoy a vegetarian Thanksgiving.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will experience a first. You will be hungover at a kid’s party soon. Hangovers with adults are bad, but hangovers with kids might be one of the worst experiences ever. Things will turn nasty when you trip a particularly annoying kid. He’ll tell everyone you did it on purpose and you’ll be asked to leave. In a way, it’ll be a win because you’ll never have to go to a kid’s party again.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll take a nasty fall. Make up a seeming plausible story because no one wants to admit they fell because they were texting, walking and eating. Try saying you got in between some cops and young shoplifters. Stock up on the three Bs — booze, band-aids and bacon. You’ll need them when you’re nursing your wounds and sheltering yourself from humiliation.
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