Sagittarius: Drink up while you still can!

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — During an upcoming New Year’s Eve party, you will have the rare privilege of being a witness to your mother-in-law getting drunk. The traditional Mexican Train dominoes game will take a turn for the worse when she starts insulting your physical features, flaming the family who couldn’t make the party this year and using unusual, cryptic pet names for your father-in-law.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In honor of the life of E.O. Wilson, you’ll hunt for ants around your house. Unfortunately, the search is a little too successful and you’ll end up stepping on an anthill. The burn you feel after several dozen fire ants feast on your ankles will remind you of the sacrifices those in the scientific community make. 

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — The New Year brings with it endless possibilities for a new you. With that being said, you’ll ring in 2022 by giving up caffeine and sugar. What starts as a good idea to get healthier devolves into you shouting loudly at family members throughout January and constantly being agitated for no reason. 

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Unaware of an adopt-a-highway program near Mobile, you’ll adopt a pothole instead. Instead of filling in the vehicular obstacle, you’ll build a picket fence around it and plant flowers. You’ll name the newly minted micro-park Rufus Plaza after your German shepherd. Most drivers will be annoyed, but others will respect the work.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A thunderstorm on New Year’s Eve will roll over Mobile right as Trombone Shorty is wrapping up his performance at the MoonPie Over Mobile celebration. A lightning bolt will hit the RSA Trustmark Building, severing the cables harnessing the electric MoonPie 317 feet in the air. As the cables fail, you will find yourself in the direct plumb line of a 600-pound, free-falling marshmallow treat. You will be momentarily conflicted as to whether you are frozen in fear or delight. What a helluva way to die.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Hearing that NASA has hired 24 theologians to study the impact of an alien discovery on the human race, you reconsider your support for Andrew Basiago’s presidential campaign. His tales of being teleported to Mars as a child in the 1970s seemed outlandish during the 2016 election, but viewed in a post-COVID world, are equally as plausible as chemtrails and Sasquatch.  

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your significant other calls late, complains of a terrible headache and cancels New Year’s Eve plans with you. You decide to stay home and watch the MoonPie Drop on TV. After the MoonPie drops and people welcome in the new year, you see your significant other kissing someone else. Well, 2022 already sucks.

Leo (7/23-8/22) — You don’t really believe in astrology; you just find yourself reading your horoscope in hopes it will be positive. This is your lucky day. “You have never been more attractive and untold riches await you in the coming days, along with meeting the person who will become the love of your life.” You’re welcome. See you tomorrow.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You register to run in a marathon although you have never jogged for a mile, much less run for 26. But you have a plan: You proudly pick up your T-shirt and race bib, position yourself toward the back of the pack and as you start the race, you jog about 300 yards, turn into the first bar, take a seat and celebrate your achievement there the rest of the day. You will frame your bib and wear the T-shirt often.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — For New Year’s Eve you decide to start a new tradition by diving naked into the water behind GulfQuest at midnight. Your fun is short-lived as you are arrested for indecent exposure. But you receive a nice mugshot to mark the occasion.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You head to the grocery store and buy several bags of black-eyed peas to cook for New Year’s Day. You figure it’s time to test the belief held by some that the more black-eyed peas you eat on New Year’s Day the more money you’ll make in the coming year. Based on your eating performance, which scares some family members, you’ll be the next Bill Gates … just a lot fatter.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— Your New Year’s resolution of drinking less in the coming year opens up a technicality on Dec. 31. Before midnight arrives, you consume more alcohol in one night than at any time in your life. Take that, 2022! And 2021 for that matter.