Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll discover your grandmother has secretly hosted strip poker in her nursing home for years. Despite some concerns, the strength of Mima’s bluff game will convince you to join the weekly festivities. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is a Frisbee too light to reach parade goers.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — An evening at B’Bob’s will cause an awkward situation in traffic court next week once you realize one of the “ladies” you met during your night on the town is apparently a local stenographer. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is a banana hammock.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After successfully escaping the Mardi Gras crowds, you’ll return home to find your house ransacked and desecrated by MoonPies, in a clear message urging you to respect Mobile’s carnival traditions … or else. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is a bag of angry spiders.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your attempt to pass time rewatching the pilot for “Breaking Bad” will backfire, something you won’t even realize until you’ve been fired from work and witnessed the tragic death of Gale Boetticher yet again. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is an entire large pizza.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll decide to run for City Council on an anti-candy corn platform. You’ll poll surprisingly well. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is a wet, moldy stuffed bunny.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — In protest of what appears to be a shortage of MoonPies at local Mardi Gras parades, you’ll stand on the corner and pelt people on oncoming floats with snack cakes. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is the 15th Little Debbie oatmeal pie.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll give up doughnuts for Lent because you have a real problem, but forget that Krispy Kreme gives doughnuts away for beads. You decide you have to recycle the beads. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is a pair of men’s x-large briefs that hit you in the face.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your neighborhood will be gentrified after Mark Zuckerberg decides to make Mobile his spring home. As a form of protest you’ll sign off Facebook for good. You won’t “like” the decision. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is a five-hour glow stick.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll “Forrest Gump” the Joe Cain Footmarchers and lead them as they go beyond the parade and continue marching across the country. A true Native American will shed a tear at the spectacle. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is anything imprinted with the Absolut Vodka logo.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll eat your weight in funnel cakes and chickens-on-a-stick. You’ll repurpose the sticks and greasy, powdery plates to make beautiful artwork to display on your refrigerator. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is an empty bead bag.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll scavenge Bienville Square after Fat Tuesday for lost treasures and gently used furniture. Once mended, the slightly bent and torn Crimson Tide camping chair will shine in your foyer. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is an elegant spiral of confetti.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll declare your personal space by roping off 20 square feet of pavement behind the barricades. You’ll employ an agent to check passports and enforce gender neutrality. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is beef-flavored ramen noodles.
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