Gemini (5/21-6/21) — An impromptu screening of “Julius Caesar” next week at a local theater will have you thinking of a high school gaffe. You’ll remember that time you read the play aloud in literature class, each classmate taking a part and really making it their own. You, as Caesar’s ghost, flub one of the most important lines of dialogue when you utter “et tu, bute,” accidentally pronouncing it like the popular slang term for the human posterior. A chill will run down your spine as you leave the current-day theater in shame.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — The death of renowned boxer and activist Muhammad Ali will inspire you to take the ring without a bit of training and just a shade more than 50 pounds overweight. You’ll tell yourself to “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee” as you suffer one devastating punch after another. The crowd will cheer as the boxing fans think you’re perfecting the rope-a-dope technique. In reality, your opponent will have hit you so hard you’ll literally be stuck on the ropes.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — A relative will exclude themself from your Christmas list after spouting off unscientific facts from a popular food health blog. They’ll explain to you that if you can’t pronounce it, it shouldn’t be in your food, but you’ll remind them their feeble brain struggles with the word “teriyaki” and it’s mostly phonetic. You’ll make a point of overindulging in GMOs every time you see them in the future and make snide remarks as they gum down their mushy steamed vegetable plate. Nobody cares what they’ve been up to all year.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — A longtime vegan and organic food advocate, you’ll give in to temptation and eat a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder this weekend. The burger will be so tasty you’ll be instantly hooked, eating nothing but the fast food chain’s greasy offerings for the rest of the month. By the time July rolls around, you’ll be the token fat person in your circle of thin, vegan friends. In August, you’ll re-devote yourself to the vegan lifestyle, but not before you’ve sampled every tasty thing on the McD’s menu.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — With an eye on getting in shape before swimsuit season hits, you’ll decide to drink more water at the office. You’ll download a smartphone app which counts your daily intake, which you’ll soon realize is woefully inadequate. In an effort to reach the required 10 gallons of water per day, you’ll repeatedly fill a milk jug with water from the office kitchen sink. While you’ll be on the path toward health, your coworkers will be amused by your 14 trips to the bathroom before lunchtime.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — One day this week you’ll realize that with every passing moment, you are wasting your life by reading silly horoscopes in the local paper. To combat the feeling, you’ll write the editor, asking him to publish real horoscopes written by certified Mayan astrologers instead. Surprisingly, he will offer you the job. During a particularly intense astrological study at the local library, you’ll be whisked away into the plane of the ecliptic, never to return to this celestial sphere again.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Inspired by the tawdry title of a recent Keith Urban single, you pen a country music song called “Pro Choice, Pro Gun Control, Proverbs 3:5.” Live performances of the tune will get you blacklisted from dozens of watering holes on the Southeastern circuit, but you’ll be warmly received on the liberal West Coast and more tolerant cities in the Northeast. Eventually the Dixie Chicks will record their own version of the song and invite you to collaborate on one of their own, “Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Matthew 6:34.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Long suffering from a very humiliating physical condition, you read news reports and suspect you could be afflicted with the Zika virus. You’ve never been one to use insect repellent yourself, and your parents’ frequent trips to the lower Americas often left them covered in their own mosquito bites. But after blood tests return inconclusive, you’ll seek out an examination from a specialist. Sadly, he’ll inform you it’s actually the other head that Zika shrinks.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Renowned for your calm demeanor and grace under pressure, the Mobile County Public School System will offer you a consulting contract to lead a workshop on teacher restraint. There, you will introduce such alternatives as throwing cotton balls at misbehaving students and using phrases such as “you little mother fudger” in lieu of forbidden language. But the real game changer will be the Xanax prescriptions dispensed to each participant at the workshop’s conclusion.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With his track record of honesty, Gov. Robert Bentley’s assurance that “there isn’t a water crisis in Alabama” won’t comfort many of the state’s residents. In fact, it will cause a majority to avoid all contact with the substance altogether. With no one monitoring the state’s supply of H2O, Georgia will seize the opportunity to gain significant ground in the longstanding “water war” between the two states. However, when the water causes most Georgians to fall ill from lead poisoning, Bentley will be propelled to an unexpected third term.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Though you’ll be warmed by lingering tributes to late boxer Muhammad Ali, you’ll continue to be unnerved by the number of “draft dodger” comments you’ll see under stories about his death. You’ll be perplexed not only because Ali faced that issue at great personal expense, but because around 80 percent of those who make the comments will be open supporters GOP frontrunner Donald Trump — a man who, like Ali, found better things to do during the Vietnam War but, unlike Ali, has never taken the time to explain what they were.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After getting the day off for late Confederate President Jefferson Davis’ birthday, you’ll begin to wonder what other losers Alabama might choose to celebrate in the future. “Perhaps a Mike Shula day?” you’ll say while perusing the many notable failures in the state’s history. Finally, you’ll submit a list of potential candidates for consideration that includes Tim James, Jameis Winston and caucasian rapper “YelaWolf.” Ultimately your suggestions will be overlooked, as the state instead opts to celebrate former Supreme Court Justice and Klansman Hugo Black. At least they’re consistent.
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