Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Things will go from bad to worse for you when you fall overboard, while attending a work party on the U.S.S Alabama. Things will get bad right off the bat when you can’t find the bathroom inside the ship and attempt to pee in a gun turret. Things will continue to deteriorate when you run deck-side because one of the exhibit’s mannequins looked “too real,” but your coworkers will never let you forget about the “splash down” after one too many whiskey sours.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – A golf outing goes terribly wrong when the head of your 9-iron flies off the shaft and hits your playing partner in the face. Everyone told you to replace those decade-old, twice-refurbished clubs, but you didn’t listen. Your negligence will not only result in the silent treatment from many of your closest friends, but will also lead to a visit to a local hospital and the purchase of cheap, gift-shop quality flowers and a stuffed, smiling bear wearing a tiny shirt that reads, “Your hospital visit is un-bear-able.”

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You will force your favorite parish priest into early retirement when, during your pre-Easter reconciliation, you admit things that would make a syphilitic sailor blush. You will notice things are taking a turn for the worse when the reverend shouts at you in Latin and throws holy water in your face. You’ve never been that religious, but you know it’s rarely good when a holy man screams a dead language. On a brighter note, you will find a rare quarter on the floor, while waiting in line at the bank.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) – You will immediately regret getting that monkey you saw advertised for free in the local want ads. It’s true you’ve always wanted a monkey, but little Darwin will run amok in your house. First, you’ll never be able to find a fresh banana, and then he’ll take control of an entire room, tossing monkey dung at you anytime you enter. It’s like the old saying, monkey see, monkey throw poop at. On the bright side, he’ll eat the fleas off your dog.

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You’ll have a short temper tantrum, while trying to find a new swimsuit at a Gulf Coast surf shop. The tan, boyish cashier will not only fail to give you back correct change, he’ll also fail his next drug test and keep his job because he sells sunglasses. You’re also due for credit at work. You can have coffee made and waiting on everyone at 8:30 a.m. everyday without missing a beat. You dedication won’t remain unnoticed for much longer.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) -You’ll catch the orchestra in the front row of the Sanger Theater, but be mindful of the new acoustic shell. Though it makes the sound beautiful, it’s a giant heavy piece of coral. Nothing will happen because those people are professionals, but the anxiety of worrying about it falling on your family or the lead flautist will make most of the show unenjoyable. Your brother is also going to win his office’s NCAA bracket pool, proving once and for all that he’s luckier than he deserves.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Your unrealistic, media-fueled body image complex will have you all up in the gym sweating this week. Fortunately, it takes about two months to trick your brain into making any good habit become routine, which means you’ll be back on the PlayStation in no time. Keeping with the times, you’ll get gauge earrings and be promptly fired from you job as a kindergarten teacher. The lawsuit will fall in your favor thanks to a tattooed attorney from upstate.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – The son you refused to vaccinate will finally reach the peak of human health and evolution, just as the prophet Jenny McCarthy said he would. He’ll begin by healing quicker than normal, but will soon be levitating objects around your trailer. Unfortunately, his doctor will secretly vaccinate him while you’re reading The Blaze in the waiting room and his powers will be lost forever. You’ll also be preapproved for a Capital One credit card with a $5,000 limit. Check back next week to find out how bad you’ll be in debt.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You’ve found yourself torn lately as your children have begun watching reruns of “Full House.” The horribleness of this show is somehow balanced by the fun you’re having watching “Uncle Jessie’s” giant mullet change over time. It’s even got you thinking about breaking out your own ‘80s “do.” Cut it out. A creepy neighbor is watching you bathe. Just thought you’d like to know. 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – There’s trouble at home as it turns out the dog has been cleaning its nether regions then licking members of the family. This will lead to a family meeting in which the dog leaves, several people cry and the paternity of at least one child is challenged. Fortunately it’s Lobsterfest at Red Lobster and the family will all pull it back together to enjoy dunking seafood in drawn butter. You may notice the emergence of a superfluous nipple in the coming days. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – The absurd fascination with last week’s Wrestlemania XXX will inspire you to take up the fake sport of professional wrestling. In an effort to get the ball rolling you will legally change your name to “AlaHammer” and begin “training” by taking enough steroids to make Barry Bonds tear up. It will turn out to be a positive move as no one will notice a difference in your giant head size and ‘roid rage will actually be considered an improvement to your personality.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Try to avoid any Scorpios you see this week who are suffering from a stomach virus going around. That crud is vicious and will result in a night of suffering for you and your significant other. If you manage to not end up doubled-over making an offering to the porcelain God, you will run into your ex. Tough luck, kid. Sometimes you can’t avoid an unpleasant situation. If you’re lucky you’ll find yourself in a medically induced coma, though. Keep your fingers crossed.