Aries (3/21-4/19) — Trying a new dessert called “Maple Bacon Crack,” you’ll enjoy a laugh with your family at the dish’s lighthearted nod to smokable cocaine. Taking a few bites, you’ll be enthralled with the flavor combination of smoky bacon and sweet maple syrup on a crunchy piece of dough. However, your joy will only last two to three minutes before you find yourself unable to resist several other pieces. Months later, you’ll be seen in alleyway with lifeless eyes as you stagger to meet a shady figure holding a baking sheet.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After attending three weddings in six weeks, you’ll announce to the world that you’re officially withdrawing your name from consideration of any wedding-related activities. In a formal note to everyone you know in a long-term relationship, you’ll politely decline any invitations they may or may not be considering to send “due to excessive inquires.” Like a 401 Error for the 20-to-30-somethings in your life, the letter will let everyone know you’re uninterested in playing newlywed games, preparing toasts or tasting fondant for the foreseeable future.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — At an upcoming concert you’ll be inspired by a man dressed in a skin-tight blouse he has put on backwards. You’ll be mesmerized by his carefree dance moves. In solidarity with the stranger, you’ll reverse your own shirt and start old-man dancing in the crowded auditorium. It’ll only be a matter of time before security is called because they think you’re sick or something. An autoimmune disease is all they can assume would cause involuntary movements of that nature.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — A disagreement about whether or not an old man at a corner table at a local restaurant looked like Robert De Niro will almost ruin your relationship in two weeks. You’ll plead with your SO that his eyes remind you of the star of the “Focker” movies. Your lover will say the man in question looks nothing like “Dirty Grandpa.” In a rage, you’ll say “that’s bull” and leave the table to allow your significant other to “Analyze That.” You’ll realize you left your ride sitting in an eatery, so you’ll have to call a “Taxi Driver.”
Leo (7/23-8/2 3) —Now that Paul Ryan has officially ruled out a late-season presidential campaign, your top candidates have been reduced to your resourceful friend Bethany (a write-in) and an artificially intelligent computer developed by IBM. Bethany impresses you with her level head and budgeting prowess, but the computer really knows how to work its way out of an international crisis. Things will only get more complicated this summer when you meet a waiter who really seems to have all the answers about the failing American education system.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Following the advice of a co-worker who plays Strat-O-Matic baseball online, you’ll shake up the lineup of your son’s struggling youth baseball team, which lost its first five games of the spring season. Amazingly, the advice will pay dividends when the team rides a hot streak to a 10-5 record and a trip to the league championship series. The winning streak will catapult your coaching career, eventually landing you a job managing the 2018 Mobile BayBears to a Southern League championship.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After sitting through another six-hour city council meeting, you’ll decide to run for mayor. The platform is simple: Under your leadership, the town would not have any more six-hour meetings. On the first day of your term, the city will be required to keep meetings under 30 minutes, while residents will be allowed just 15 seconds to speak during time set aside for public participation. The measure will be met with anger from the conspiracy-minded public, but you’ll be honored by others for your commitment to efficiency.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — While trying to repair the cathode ray tube in the family’s lone television set, you’ll inadvertently create a wormhole that will shoot you into the past to a galaxy far, far away. You’ll land on a deserted swamp planet in the Dagobah system, where the intense gravity and chlorophyll-laced air will shrink you and turn you green. Content to live out your days as a hermit in a swamp cave, a chance encounter with a long-haired teenage boy will give you a new hope.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Realizing tax day is approaching and you haven’t diverted the bulk of your assets to a Panamanian law firm, you’ll find soft dirt in the backyard to bury a coffee can full of cash. The IRS may grow suspicious when you report less than $1,000 in earnings, but the Alabama Department of Revenue will be none the wiser, and at least you’ll have beer money for when the new growler law takes effect. Years from now, you’ll be disappointed to learn you can’t use Bitcoin to pay bond.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Like a cruel spell cast by coven of witches, the phrase “you are what you eat” will take on a new meaning next weekend when you begin to transform into a crawfish. At first people admire your darker skin tone, but things will get inconvenient once your hands form into claws and a segmented tail sprouts from your ass. On the bright side, maintaining your appearance won’t take much effort, and you’ll make a killing as the new spokesperson for Tony Chachere’s Original Creole Seasoning.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With the city’s bus service threatened by budget negotiations, you decide the time is right to establish that rickshaw business you’ve always dreamed of. The investment will be copious, but the rewards will be negligible, as you discover the $1.25 customers are accustomed to paying is hardly worth cycling between Mobile and Eight Mile. The only way to turn business around will be to trade in the rickshaws for a tractor and a flatbed trailer, as hayrides are far more enjoyable and efficient for multiple passengers.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Hearing Netflix will soon be raising rates for all customers, you’ll have to make some hard decisions in the coming weeks. While health insurance coverage for yourself and your loved ones is indeed important, the welcome change of pace in the fourth season of “House of Cards” can’t be understated. These and other factors will have to be weighed as you decide if issuing family-wide rations is a worse fate than not knowing what actress is selected to portray the mother on the “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.”
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