Aries (3/21-4/19) — While trying to find a restroom during SouthSounds, you’ll mistakenly stumble into a dressing area and become a stand-in bassist for a local punk band. Though you don’t play bass, opportunities to break out your 1988 black denim collection are rare these days.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A 20-year-old plan to horde the Toys”R”Us Geoffrey dollars you won on a late ‘90s game show will seem foolish as you rush to spend them in the company’s last days. You’ll be unable to get the cash value but will never need another Nerf product in your life.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Excited about Mobile’s new citywide bike-sharing program, you’ll bust out an old Huffy to make sure your skills are intact. While you’re able to mount, ride and steer, stopping will prove tricky and you’ll forcefully share a bike with around five pedestrians.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll finally head out to try the new midtown Publix, where you’ll be very impressed by the customer service, varied selection and cleanliness. On a sad note, you and another frequent customer of the “Crack Dixie” will pass each other in shameful silence.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Hilarity will ensure as you host a few guests from “Across the Pond” later this month. While you’ve always enjoyed exploring cultural differences, you’ll be flat-out taken aback when one of your British friends asks if you’d care for any chocolate chip biscuits.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In a bit of a faux pas, you’ll mistake local Rep. Jack W. Williams for Rep. Jack D. Williams, who was recently indicted on federal bribery charges. You would probably feel worse about the mix-up if you weren’t joined in the error by several prominent statewide publications.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll make the mistake of planning a romantic night out with your significant other while the little ones are on spring break. Upon returning home that night, you’ll find the babysitter in tears, a cracked television on the floor and the dog completely hairless and shivering on the couch.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With the success of “Roseanne” and other rebooted television shows, you’ll get the greenlight to bring “Mr. Ed” back from the television trash heap. The low cost of production will prevent you from using a real horse as the star. Instead, you’ll use one of those stick-horse toys.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In 2020, you’ll be one of the first fans to discover the newest sport to come to Mobile, professional cricket. Played at a recently abandoned Hank Aaron Stadium, the game will look like nothing you’ve seen before. You’ll be completely lost, except for laughing at the terminology and uniforms.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In an attempt to better yourself, you’ll pick up the trombone. You’ll practice hard and get better with it, right before the Mobile Police Department takes it away from you for violating the city’s noise ordinance. After that less-than-stellar experience, you’ll take up the spoons.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Taking some admittedly bad advice, you’ll start a company called “Icarus” to take advantage of the ride-hailing service market. As the name suggests, “Icarus” allows a user to fly themselves from place to place. Also, as the same suggests, there will be some problems at first.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You will take part in a failed public transportation experiment. You’ll be one of the first residents of Mobile to use a service called “Surf the Bay” to get from Mobile to the Eastern Shore. It’ll launch as an alternative to bridge tolls, but will result in injuries due to gator attacks.
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