Aries (3/21-4/19) — Learning a Coca-Cola plant in Ireland had to halt production after machines became clogged with human feces, you’ll feel confident in your decision to switch to carbonated water. Though Perrier drinkers are often accused of being full of crap, it appears soda drinkers might actually be.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To prepare to talk with artists at SouthSounds, you’ll start speaking to random strangers with whose body of work you’re unfamiliar. If you can convince a plumber you’d “recognize his pipework anywhere,” there no way the Dirty Lungs won’t believe you caught their show in Atlanta once.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After having your calls and emails repeatedly ignored by an elected official, you’ll begin flying drones with messages over the State House in Montgomery. Believing the unmanned craft to be a wallet en route to Gov. Bentley, ALEA security won’t try to stop you.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by a prominent sports parent, you’ll decide to challenge Michael Jordan to a game of one-on-one at the Mitchell Center. With your diet of afternoon Skittles and an alarming amount of sausage, how do you think it’ll go?
Leo (7/23-8/23) — While sipping a dark beer at a local Irish pub, you’ll ask the barkeep to switch the TV over to your beloved Spurs. He’ll immediately flip on a Premier League soccer match featuring Tottenham Hotspur. You’ll leave and vow never to return.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll get excited when you find what you think is cold, hard cash in the pocket of shorts you haven’t worn in a while. Upon closer inspection, it’ll just be a movie stub to “Suicide Squad” and Monopoly money. You’ll immediately remember how entertaining the game was.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll spend all next week mourning the loss of your horse Pickles. To honor him you’ll develop a half-horse, half-robot cyborg. While a huge advance scientifically, the metallic horse won’t love you the way Pickles did. You’ll scrap him and the idea.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — To achieve that beach body you’ve always dreamed of, you’ll adopt a strict diet of cabbage and wasabi peas. Come June, when your BMI is still north of 25, you’ll opt to spend the summer among the harbor seals of coastal Norway.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You will be forcibly removed from Moe’s Original BBQ after a misunderstanding over Firkin Fest. Your bestie jokingly told you it was actually Twerkin’ Fest, and the city’s beer connoisseurs will be offended when you start grinding on the taps.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — When you hear about Mobile’s skyrocketing 2016 crime rate, you’ll whip back into action as E-Z-GO Man, your nonchalant, crime fighting, golf cart-driving alter ego. Within months the city’s most hardened criminals will become some of the PGA’s most trusted caddies.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Lacking confidence in the House Intelligence Committee, you’ll take it upon yourself to investigate the Trump transition team’s ties to Russia. But your doubts will be resolved when, in the process of opening a nesting doll, the smallest contains a note saying simply, “Benghazi.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — When your phone becomes a distraction in a local theater, you’ll be asked to leave by an angry gang of patrons. However, their precious darkness will be their undoing as the light of your phone guides your crawl to safety beneath a canopy of gummy theater seats.