Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In honor of your childhood TV dad Bob Saget, you spend the rest of the week communicating in “Full House” catchphrases. “Cut it out,” “you got it, dude” and “have mercy” get a little repetitive, so every once in a while you throw in Saget’s line from “Friday.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be disappointed when an asteroid misses Earth next week. You don’t really want to die, but you’re a fan of marketing and the missed opportunity on a space object hitting the planet while “Don’t Look Up!” is still streaming will be hard to get over.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll get an unexpected vacation. Unfortunately, it’ll come because you’ll get fired after your bosses discover you think the Earth is flat. Normally, this wouldn’t be grounds for removal, but you’ve been so obnoxious about “horizons” that they’ll really have no choice.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — With Alabama’s loss to Georgia, your UGA-fan co-workers will only communicate with you the rest of the month by barking at you. You’ll be tempted to file a harassment complaint with human resources, but change your mind right before you file the form. You’ll figure, heck, it’s been 41 years and, well, they “kicked our ass in the fourth quarter.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A recently inherited 3D plaque of “Paul Revere Being Arrested” and two other Revolutionary War-themed framed pieces create a conundrum. You’ve always been very patriotic, but wall space is at a premium, leaving you with the ultimate decision. Which is more patriotic, the Revolution or Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Farewell Tour?
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Because of a viral video of you pulling a spaghetti noodle from your mouth through your nose to the tune of “Yea, Alabama,” you land a surprising invite to tour the UA Trustee “Super House.” Before you can enter, you have to surrender your phone and subject yourself to a strip search because, you know, security. You’re disappointed you can’t record and show the world the hidden slides, secret bedrooms or the dump you took on a golden toilet.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be in the doghouse at work after you decide to reheat your salmon dinner in the office microwave for lunch. The smell of hot fish will waft past all the cubicles before someone complains and runs outside in disgust. Sure, it’s bad for everyone else, but you’re the one who has to eat it.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Due to supply chain bottlenecks curbing the supply of Kraft Philadelphia cream cheese, you couldn’t prepare your lucky bean dip for the office’s college football playoff watch party. Instead, you took up Kraft on its offer to reimburse you for alternative dishes and load up on Marie Callender’s pies. Your co-workers are holding you responsible for the Bama loss for breaking tradition and you’ll be eating leftover pie by yourself for a few weeks.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In your attempt to not forget your wedding anniversary this year, you place a reminder in your phone. You get the reminder then head out to buy your wife a gift, as well as some flowers and a nice bottle of wine. You get home and make a production noting the anniversary … only to discover you have mistakenly selected the anniversary of your first marriage and the anniversary with your current spouse was last month, explaining the coldness between the two of you for the past few weeks.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — The good news is you receive an email informing you of your selection via the annual lottery for tickets to The Masters this year. The bad news is your celebration is somewhat muted when you discover your tickets are good only for the Monday practice round that many of the players skip. Hey, it’s a tradition unlike any other. Have fun, buy some hats and golf shirts.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After spending your entire weekend binge-watching episodes of “Antiques Roadshow” you discover the show is being taped in Mobile. You grab a family heirloom string of pearls and have them appraised, only to discover the “pearls” are fake with a value of approximately $2. You vow to never watch the show again.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You are excited to accept a “research grant” being offered by the Aaron Rodgers Institute on COVID-19 Studies. You soon discover the “grant” is just a discount for State Farm insurance.
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