Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – Your joke will fail to land, while sending an email to coworkers picking on another’s grammar. You will make an embarrassing typo yourself and not realize until the message is sent. You will swell with pride, as your inbox will fill with many responses from coworkers. Unfortunately, the messages will be the mocking variety. You will lock yourself in your office and will refuse to leave until lunch. You will pop out of your office in time to see a banner with the grammatical error hanging from the wall.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – After years of training and non-verbal arguments, you will present your friends with a show introducing your spider monkey Jeeves to them. You will react in delight, as Jeeves rolls around a homemade obstacle course on a unicycle. Your delight will turn to dread quickly when Jeeves finishes the course, gets bored and begins to fling his feces at the audience. No one will ever accept an invite to your house again. News of the incident will reach the ears of your local PETA representative.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You will be forced to admit your advancing age while at a child’s pool party next week. Your significant other and friends will pull your writhing body out of the water after your totally rad “jackknife” diving board jump will result in a complete shutdown of your bodily functions. Your legs will go numb as soon as you hit the water and your arms won’t be able to keep your large body afloat. After a couple minutes in a lawn chair you will recover. Cannonball time!
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – You’ll be surprised to find out how much you have in common with a middle-aged software representative as you listen to the tunes of Steely Dan in New Orleans this weekend. A bond that starts during the second verse of “Bad Sneakers” ends with you pitching an idea for a tech start-up to the gentleman. Like any good entrepreneur, you don’t let not knowing anything about technology stand in the way. Surprisingly, next quarter your 401K will be stronger than the Scotch whisky that killed “Deacon Blues.”
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You’ll be in dire straits after leaving your only phone charger behind after a beach vacation. The charger however, will be fine. With no one to hold it back, it’ll get a job waiting tables and begin to absorb the coastal culture. After a few months it will get back on the dating scene and try charging a mysterious phone it meets while attending a music festival. Ultimately, the charger will return home – realizing its new life, though exciting, can’t compare to the one it built with you.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – Next Monday you’ll notice a squadron of wasps lying in wait outside your door. While you know it’s silly to let insects keep you from work, you also know wasp bites hurt like hell. After putting long johns on over your work clothes and arming yourself with two cans of bug spray, you’ll become a whirling tornado of poisonous gas and winter wear. When you finally reach the sanctuary of your car, you’ll look up see the door you forgot to close and the wasps waiting for you inside.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – News of a price hike at Chipotle has you wondering just how much is too much for a fresh and delicious GMO-free burrito? Somewhat interested in your health for the first time in your life, you’ve come a long way from Hot Pockets and Bagel Bites. But you’re also frugal, and you just passed on a deal for a badass used lamp that was also 10 or 11 bucks. You already regret that. Just buy the damn burrito.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – You’re going to want to clear your throat before rounding any blind corners, because there’s a serious threat of somebody doing something really embarrassing on the other side. Of course, you are no stranger to being caught in compromising positions, and your significant other still jokes about that one incident, when you thought you were alone. But if you forget, and somebody gets busted, just dance a jig and exit the stage like Ashlee Simpson.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – So jealous of all the press little Prince George is getting about his first birthday, you decide you need a toddler around to celebrate something. Turned down by adoption agencies after explaining your motive, you get lucky when an acquaintance needs a babysitter. Things are going great until you break out the leftover fireworks and hand a sparkler to the child. An ice cream sandwich convinces him to not tell his parent about the resulting burn on his leg.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Someone will bring you doughnuts in the very near future. “Just one,” you’ll say, but one will quickly turn into two and two will turn into three and well, three would have turned to four if your equally greedy coworkers hadn’t already gobbled down the rest of the glorious, sugar coated rings. Undeterred, you’ll convince yourself you physically NEED more doughnuts and drive to the nearest bakery, where you’ll devour doughnuts straight off the conveyor belt until you enter a diabetic coma.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Things have been very mundane in your life lately. You think you might need one of those “life changes” you hear your friends talk about. In a moment of hasty decision making, you’ll find yourself sitting in a barber chair at a local hair salon with aluminum foil on your head. You hear vibrant colors are the new “hip” thing, so you bite the bullet and go for it. You may or may not leave looking like a bright blue peacock. It probably won’t be the kind of change you hoped for.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – You haven’t ventured to the Saenger Theatre in quite sometime. Consequently, after a few drinks in during the Nappie Awards and a lack of your better judgment, you’ll forget the floor is inclined. You’ll instantly regret your life choices when try to make a move on one of the winners accepting the award for the “Bar Where You Are Most Likely to Get Lucky.” You have to make sure the right bar won, right? Unfortunately, you’ll fall head over heels. Literally. Lucky for you, the winner for “Best Slip and Fall Lawyer” is close by. Cha-ching.