Virgo (8/24-9/22) — With the Chinese economy wreaking havoc on your Wall Street retirement account, you are lured to an investment opportunity a close friend calls a “can’t miss.” While it’s initially a runaway success with home lawn enthusiasts, the solvency of Angry Nate’s Fire Ant Hand Grenades falters after a few unfortunate mishaps involving delayed or poorly aimed throws by consumers. No matter what the company advises, get out before they introduce Mad Eddie’s Mole Cricket Napalm.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A keen observer of Mobile municipal politics, you predict with great accuracy the City Council’s reaction to the mayor’s proposed budget. While the term “level funding” seems rather reasonable and straightforward to the electorate, their representatives on the Council delay its implementation until every nickel and dime is allocated toward targeted pet projects. Rest assured, instead of tackling larger projects to benefit every Mobilian and their guests, random neighborhood street lights will be repaired, ditches will be filled and very short segments of sidewalk will be laid.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an effort to capitalize on the success of Uber’s expansion into Baldwin County, you’ll create a ride-hailing app called Tuber. You’ll use your father-in-law’s boat to pull riders in an inflatable lounge on Fish River and along the Eastern Shore. Since most of Baldwin’s municipalities require an expensive business license and additional fees to operate a taxi service, you’ll go broke after paying thousands in upfront costs. Your inner tube will fail inspection when it is discovered that you patched a hole with duct tape.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When the FarmersOnly.com email list gets leaked by hackers, things will be a little tense for a few weeks at your office. You’ve tried to hide your affinity for hairy women in overalls from your work friends, but with everyone gathered around Billy’s desk looking at the list, your days are numbered. Luckily, you registered with a fake email address, email@example.com, and your middle name, so it will take a little sleuthing to figure you out.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — As football season approaches, you’ll long for the days when you graced the gridiron with your presence at Suburban High School. You weren’t the biggest or the strongest guy, but what you lacked in size you made up for in spirit. The time you lined up against future NFL star Karlos Dansby is your claim to fame. He whipped your tail all night, but there was that one Trap Right play where you took out his knees. You’re a hero in your own mind.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll still be picking up the pieces of your life a week after your Ashley Madison account is first discovered by your spouse — a result of the worldwide hack that’s ruined marriages across the country. Luckily you’ll get to move forward knowing in your heart that your one moment of weakness in an otherwise strong marriage will be able to bring happiness to countless shallow, judgmental old women on Facebook who are still bitter about their own divorces. In today’s fast-paced society, that’s all that really matters.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After a fraternity stirs up national controversy with sexually suggestive signs welcoming girls to campus, you’ll once again be surprised to find this is somehow news. To you, it will appear the world remains ignorant to the values and practices of these future leaders who make up pristine social organizations on campuses nationwide. Whether it’s the racially motivated recruitment and chants, the womanizing or the overblown sense of self-importance, your insider knowledge of the Greek system will have you feeling important in the coming weeks.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll join proud women and concerningly supportive men at a rally to support the “Go Topless” movement in Mobile this week — the Port City is always a week behind. You’ll notice some protesters just aren’t as firm in their belief of sexual equality, but they won’t bother you as much as the fake protestors. While a sagging effort to achieve a goal isn’t desirable, it’s still better than seeing something artificial awkwardly masquerading as social justice, as lifeless and unchanging as the status quo you’re hoping to topple.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your soul will burn with guilt when the pastor at your church calls you out for being less than enthusiastic about attending Sunday service. He’ll call you “the problem” and accuse you of being a “friend of the devil.” You won’t hear the rest because the latter accusation will get you thinking about the Grateful Dead. By the time the service is over you’ll break out in song in front of everyone.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After seeing the reception Donald Trump received after coming to Mobile, Sen. Ted Cruz will visit to give his campaign the shot in the arm it needs. Being an avid supporter of big Internet companies, you’ll go, but be disappointed by the turnout. Unlike Trump, Cruz won’t be able to fill the Waffle House on Government Street. Sadder still, folks there were more excited about the food. With Cruz you don’t know if “it’s crazy or genius.” Yes you do, it’s crazy.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’re disappointed when a childhood musical idol comes to town in a solo role and it is as bad as expected. Not wanting to miss an opportunity to see your once-favorite musician in person, you’ll pony up the money for tickets, but it’ll go downhill from there. Your favorite musician is completely different now, and listening to the singer belt out tired pop ballad after tired pop ballad will take its toll on your musical taste. You’ll never go to another live show.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Concerned about alleged illegal actions of the mayor’s son during a routine traffic stop, the Mobile Police Department recruits you to star in its newest public service short film, “Your Rights as a Deputy Game Warden.” You’ll reenact scenes from the infamous encounter, but will also remind viewers that their only real powers include: 1. “Picking Up The Phone And Calling Law Enforcement.” 2. …