Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Taking the hint from Darwin Singleton, you begin a one-man crusade to throw back all of the unsolicited al.com advertising circulars that get tossed in your neighborhood like trash several times per week. Starting at the crack of dawn, by 8 a.m. you retrieve enough to fill the bed of a pickup truck. Claiming the same First Amendment rights as the non-local news source, you are apparently protected by law as you dump the loads daily on their Royal Street doorstep. Keep up the good work. Nothing bad can come of it. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is doubloons.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Feeling particularly feisty after President Obama used his 2015 lame-duck State of the Union address to troll you and your political party, you begin to organize fellow Republicans to offer realistic counter solutions to the president’s proposals. But your patriotism wanes as in-fighting fractures the group and lackluster conservative candidates begin to throw their hats in the ring for the 2016 elections. Filling your SUV one day with $1.50 per gallon gas, you’re struck with an existential crisis as you inadvertently mutter “Thanks, Obama” under your breath. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is silver beads.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Work and personal relationships begin to falter after you begin to spend all your spare time, and some of your work time, playing the new “Call of Duty” on PlayStation 4. Your girlfriend threatens to leave and frequent tardiness leads to a write-up in your personnel file, but you are emboldened every time you get to tell a fourth-grader who’s up past his own bedtime just how much he really sucks. You only put down the controller after the developers of Minecraft release a game update, turning its creative exploration format into a first-person shooter. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is plastic cups.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — You’ll pick Ina Garten up at the airport and the two of you will immediately get things hot in the kitchen. As you cook, her heart will begin to melt, like a pad of butter in a nice shrimp scampi. She’ll be down here in time for Mardi Gras, so the two of you will indulge. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is lingerie, which will be fortunate because the kitchen isn’t the only place things will get hot.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll spend the next couple weeks hitting on various members of the Merry Widows’ and getting blindingly drunk at the Garage. Your hopes to snare a cougar fail miserably and you’ll leave the bar each night alone. You’ll think your luck has changed when you knock down a small child to grab a rose from the black-clad lady-mourners. The moment will be misinterpreted. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is stuffed animals.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Weeks of mourning will follow the news of Richard Stain’s untimely death. Your loneliness will grow and grow until one evening you’ll hear a faint train whistle in the distance. The sound of a train whistle is not uncommon in Mobile, but this is different. You’ll soon see your friend sweeping a ghostly train car. He’ll smile at you before commenting on the lousy condition of your apartment. You’ll be happy to have your friend back. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is ramen noodles.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You’ll decide to place a pretty big bet on the upcoming Super Bowl, wagering an entire paycheck against the Patriots. After the Seahawks’ incredible comeback last weekend, you’ll think they’re a shoo-in. But Tom Brady’s beautiful grace and Ken-doll-esque looks will prove too much for Russell Wilson. He’ll be blinded by beauty, resulting in a record-breaking 10 turnovers before halftime. You’ll be forced to accept a side job pouring fruit daiquiris for a crowd of drunks during Fat Tuesday. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is Little Debbie oatmeal cakes.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After embarrassing yourself at the water cooler in front of your current office love interest, you’ll invite the attractive coworker (who also has amazingly good hair) to a Mardi Gras parade, where you’ll get pegged in the face with an entire box of Little Debbie oatmeal cakes. Not only will this incident bruise your ego even more, but it’ll also jack your face up pretty good. Next time, try taking your date to the new, trendy wine bar that charges a $5 corking fee. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is name-brand MoonPies.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — A week from Thursday, you’ll find yourself in the midst of a high-profile news conference. You’ll haphazardly pick the worst possible place to stand, and your “I-just-pooped-myself” face will be broadcast across live television. Thousands of memes will be made using your face, and you’ll almost go viral on the Internet. But one question will remain – “Who IS that man in the charcoal coat?” Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year is purple beads.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — In the spirit of Mardi Gras, you’ll start drinking in the middle of the day. But, after discovering that your lucky throw this year is “balls,” you’ll do so without bothering to put on a pair of trousers. While some will instantly get your tribute to the Carnival season, most will not — their averted eyes fixed firmly on the ground. The police, however, will have no trouble staring you down or corralling your pants-less body into a cop car off Conti Street. “Laissez les bon temps rouler.”
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — After taking in countless lists of overhyped bands on the various music festival lineups, your confused brain will soon begin to think R&B star Drake is performing everywhere this summer including “Your Dad’s House” June 3-6 and “The Bathroom at the west Mobile Heroes” July 2-4. Once you establish that you’re too old to attend any event that is made bearable only with copious amounts of marijuana, you’ll do what any self-respecting Mobilian would do … go check out one of the various incarnations of “The Perry Wall” at the Brickyard. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is bubble gum.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — You’ll have a tough go of it at work this week. As the person who conceives the generic social media outreach questions for a local television station’s Facebook page, you’ll finally be stumped after months of creating countless, thought-provoking queries for your audience. However, just before you give up, you’ll type “Paper or plastic?” and press post in desperation. To your surprise, the question creates a lengthy debate that quickly devolves into extremely racist comments and a slew of funny pictures that don’t actually apply to the thread in any way. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw is confetti.
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