Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After another round of storms in Birmingham, your tickets to the minor bowl game taking place there will have little value because those in charge decide to call it off. Upon cancellation, organizers inadvertently give the win to Memphis and the loss to Auburn. The good news is no one will care about the Tigers’ 6-7 record because no one ever does. The Tigers will have a wonderful baseball season, but no one will care about that either.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Your New Year’s resolution to stop participating in trite and meaningless societal practices will fail instantly due to its very nature. Like many who plan to spend more time counting their blessings, hit the gym more or be a better person in general, your quest to stop being a living cliché will be over before it starts. Maybe next year, if you decide to live a life that doesn’t scream “I’m basic and going through the motions,” the rest of the world will follow suit.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — ESPN will regret airing the first two rounds of the College Football Playoff on New Year’s Eve. When the aching and nauseated mass of college football fans awakens to 2016, the vast majority will not remember who won the games, what the scores were or even what college they pull for. Many will only figure out what it is they need to Google in the early hours of the new year after reading the “RMFT” tattoos on the pregnant women who wake up alongside them.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After being denied at the customer service counter of three Walmarts, you’ll come to the realization you’re stuck with the cheap, long-sleeved shirt a cousin clearly re-gifted you. With the current weather, you’ll be in even more distress because the same side of the family eats customary “good luck” food on New Year’s Day. Obviously, you’ll be expected to arrive in your new duds, and temperatures in the upper 70s will make the snug polyester contraption seem like something out of a “Saw” movie.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an ill-advised attempt at becoming a local celebrity, and after drinking copious amounts of brown liquor on New Year’s Eve, you’ll try to ride down the giant MoonPie affixed to the side of the RSA Trustmark building downtown. With climbing gear and a “can do” attitude, you’ll make it up approximately three stories before getting scared and “catting” with your arms and legs spread out. MPD officers and MFRD personnel will rescue you, but not before they’ve had a good laugh.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll spend a good part of New Year’s Eve listening to someone yammer on about “climate change.” Luckily an elderly relative will call you and you wisely put the two together and wander off to enjoy the party while they talk about the weather. Fred Richardson’s beard will inspire you during the MoonPie Drop and you’ll declare right there and then to find a way to get on the government teat for decades. A resolution to make 2016 “cheese free” fails 20 minutes after midnight.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In an attempt to save money, you’ll make a coupon book for your spouse’s birthday. Most of the deals are for copulation-related activities, which, depressingly, your loved one will allow to expire. (Maybe expiration dates on the coupons wasn’t a good idea.) Instead, your honeydew will insist on the food and/or labor-related coupons, including breakfast in bed, house painting and leaf blowing. In tears, you’ll begin the landscaping task. Sure, you’ll feel unloved and unattractive, but your lawn will look better than ever.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — As you wring out all your belongings soaked by the year-end rain, you adopt a New Year’s resolution to improve coastal Alabama’s climate. With grants from NOAA, SpaceX and the assistance of a university’s primate laboratory, you construct a 1,000-acre test facility on Baldwin County’s Mega Site. The experiment results in revolutionary discoveries, but implementing them on a broader scale proves impractical for modern science. You’ll benefit from a related niche industry providing vacation packages to chimpanzees.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — A New Year’s Day mishap at the city’s outdoor skating rink leaves you the laughing stock of the ice-skating set — a group of four people who grew up where people actually ice skate. You’ll be forced to start sneaking into the rink at night to practice and before they pack that baby up for the year, you’ll amaze everyone by shattering your fibula performing a Triple Lutz. An older package of hot dogs causes most of your neighbors to dislike you.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Realizing you’ve made it another year without getting shot by the police, ISIS or Mobile teenagers on Christmas Day, you conceive the topic of your next best-selling book. “How to Lay Low and Live Another Day” stays on the top of the book charts for months, as your doctrine of boarding up your doors and windows and locking yourself indoors off the grid is adopted by the masses. Adopting a goldfish from a troubled home gives you a feeling of being someone others should admire when really it just means you have a fish to feed.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Things will still be pretty chilly around the house this week after you stupidly went along with your significant other’s plan to not exchange gifts this year in order to save up for a trip to Dollywood. Needless to say, you’re looking for a way out of the doghouse. Perhaps Senior Bowl tickets might be the answer. Or maybe you’ll be taking your divorce lawyer. Roll the dice. You will declare 2016 the “year of pork.” As Jean-Luc Picard would say, “Make it so.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — As your number of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” viewings climbs towards 20, you will begin to conflate the actual world with the George Lucas-created universe of Jedi, robots, The Force and lightsabers. You’ll realize things have gotten out of hand when you begin bringing an old metal garbage can around with you and calling it R2-D2. Your efforts to use The Force to clean your kitchen also will leave you with cleanliness issues. An old friend calls to offer you the “opportunity” to be a money lender in 2016. Hang up.