Sagittarius stumbles upon small-town illuminati

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Intrigued by the continued existence of the Fairhope Single Tax Corporation, you purchase a parcel of land in unincorporated Baldwin County to embark upon your own economic experiment. The utopia you create, Cityvilledale, uses Bitcoin as its official currency, while your primary export is pecan husks. The fruit itself is the only thing taxed, with variable levels for raw, roasted, pies, pralines and dessert toppings. Unfortunately, the experiment will fail generations from now, after your descendants develop a genetic nut allergy.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When the barista at Starbucks asks if you’d like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, you’ll tell the hipster in a green apron that pumpkin doesn’t really have a flavor. When he smirks and says, “It is pumpkin SPICE,” you’ll begin to list all the other things in the world that don’t have flavors. “How about you make me a cardboard spice latte, bro!” you’ll scream. Your outburst won’t be appreciated by the 40-something manager, who will quickly call Daphne PD to haul your non-PSL-celebratin’ butt to the slammer.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — While searching for your daughter’s Girl Scouts meeting spot at the local strip mall, you’ll accidentally stumble into a meeting of the town’s bigwigs at the meat and three. You’ve always heard rumors the football coach, China buffet owner, Baptist pastor, lawn maintenance magnate and grocery store manager actually run the town, but now your suspicions are confirmed. You’ll call the local newspaper to tell them about your scoop, only to find out its publisher is part of the cabal, too.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — WIth news from NASA that we’ve found water on Mars, you’ll finally get your outer space theme park up and running in Silverhill. You’ll seek funding for the sprawling, 10-acre project from the usual sources: the city, the county, your parents. You’ll hire teenagers from the local high school to dress like Martians. You’ll get your cousin Bobby to build a Mars Rover attraction, where guests can ride Bobby’s go-kart through a corn maze made to look like crop circles. You’ll become a millionaire.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Seeing the success of unsubstantiated and ridiculous rumors about Crimson Tide offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin online will spur you into creating some celebrity gossip of your own. Without thinking about the repercussions, you’ll start a rumor that Tinsel Town darling Cameron Diaz has been blackballed from major Hollywood productions after she refused to stop aggressively tickling extras and passersby. After the lie makes its way to a few popular Twitter feeds, the fallout from #guchigoogate will leave an otherwise untarnished reputation in shambles.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Throughout the work week, you’ll still be worn out from the fun-filled weekend you and millions of other visitors had the GulfQuest Maritime Museum. You won’t be able to get through an hour of your work day without secretly planning your next visit to the newest attraction in #destinationmobile. While daydreams of shipping routes and nautical history will make your days this week seem to drag on, having such an entertaining and broadly appealing permanent exhibit will give you much to look forward to in the years ahead.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — By strategically positioning your friends in publicly elected positions, you’ll be able to give the most back to the community through your most recent political gig. With no one to slow you down or examine your efforts, you’ll start to serve the taxpayers in ways they’ve never been served before. Yes, in the coming months you’ll learn first hand that checks and balances are a disservice to the community that only aim to slow down the governmental process with unnecessary oversight and accountability.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) —  You’ll begin your campaign for mayor 20 years from today. You’ll feel like you’re finally ready to announce your candidacy after studying the hot-button issues, like the need for more car charging stations, more money for hoverbuses and the eventual completion of the newly named MoonPie Skyway I-10 bridge project across the Mobile River. Your platform will be pleading for votes from folks, who will have to miss church because they’re still stuck in Friday afternoon traffic.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As social media ignites rumors, you’ll begin preparations to become the University of Alabama’s next offensive coordinator. How hard could the job be? All you’ll have to do is hand the ball off to Derrick Henry two times, before calling a pass play that will sail over the head of its intended receiver. You’ll also get paid an insane amount of money. However, the best part of the job will come after you settle on an alias.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll win your fantasy league after choosing Dr. James Andrews as your only player. In a season where some of the NFL’s top players have been ravaged by injuries, your selection of the league’s top doctor will pay dividends and the points will rack up. The points will drop off later in the season, as teams begin to get cheaper and only think about the following season. A new, younger doctor will emerge to take the NFL’s injured by storm.

Leo (7/23-8/23) — When word gets out the Baldwin County School System employs senior bus drivers with drinking issues, you feel a little more secure about your prospects for semi-retirement. Having run down a few street signs in your day, the thought of commanding a yellow, 36,000-pound, 40-foot long steel weapon of mass destruction while intoxicated seems like a challenge, and a right. Everyone has always said you look like Otto from “The Simpsons,” so this part-time role as a shepherd for the young, innocent leaders of tomorrow should fit like a glove.

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — While the Mobile City Council holds over a decision to rename the Alabama Cruise Terminal, you take advantage of the delay to make a few recommendations of your own. Using history as your guide, you suggest such monikers as Turdtanic Terminal, Vacancy Vault and, aptly, U.S./Mexico Purgatory. You will be delighted when one councilperson replies to your email with a simple smiley-face emoji, indicating amusement at your final suggestion: “Mobile Cruise Terminal — Alabama’s Doormat.”