Cancer (6/22-7/22) — With so-called federal government overreach at an all-time high, you’ll campaign for the state to leave the union in a new secession movement known as “Alabandon.” Once successful, you’ll be named prime minister of the new country.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Through magic, you’ll be transported a few years forward to Mobile’s future. Instead of a river bridge, ALDOT will have created a type of car slingshot that will push vehicles rapidly through the air and onto the Bayway. It will almost never miss.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll organize a sit-in to protest the lack of a Coke vending machine in the break room at your Midtown office. Much like the Great Democrat Party Sit-In of 2016, you’ll give up after a few hours and resign yourself to daily walking trips to the convenience store.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Despite your attempts to sabotage their efforts in All-Star tournaments around town, your son’s baseball team will just keep winning. You’ll take out a second mortgage on your home to keep up with the expenses incurred during the endless summer of baseball.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When the newspaper calls about your mayoral run, you’ll share too much information about your past. You’ll spill the beans about the time you ate a coworker’s leftover sandwich and confess your love of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In conjunction with the ninth annual Alabama Hip-Hop Week, you’ll attempt to set the world record for longest nonstop twerk. You’ll succeed with a time of over 104 hours, but you’ll also be inflicted by the first recorded case of gluteal tunnel syndrome.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll forget to download Lee Greenwood classics to accompany the Fourth of July fireworks show. Thumbing through your iPod’s playlists, you’ll settle for Don McLean’s “American Pie.” You never knew patriotism could be so depressing.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In an effort to replace trees the mayor cut down, you’ll play sarcastic Johnny Appleseed and plant bonsai trees where live oaks used to stand. The idea will prove disastrous and become a health issue of its own when the city is overrun by tiny squirrels.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With The Haberdasher’s reopening, you’ll spend the next few nights cultivating a taste for top-shelf whiskey. Convincing yourself you’re a reclusive novelist hiding from the public’s prying eyes, the dimly lit cocktail dungeon will become your only refuge.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be briefly under the impression that C-list celebrity Lou Diamond Phillips has followed you on Twitter. The crushing realization that you’ve actually been followed by Mobile Police Chief James Barber will seem especially disappointing.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With plans for a long-awaited complex on the skids, Mobile’s soccer community will finally revolt in the streets of the Port City. Armed with shinguards and loose soccer balls, angry residents of Midtown and Spring Hill will storm Government Plaza in an armada of Dodge Caravans.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll take to the streets to protest a local grocery for refusing to stock Double Stuf Oreos. The cookies with extra cream in the middle cost the same as their ordinary counterparts and you’ll feel angry over the injustice. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.