Aries (3/21-4/19) —While waiting endlessly to score a table a Mobile Cracker Barrel restaurant, you’ll realize two things: 1) The Judds put out more gospel albums than you were aware of and 2) No plate of biscuits — homemade or otherwise — is worth a two-hour wait in a thrift store time forgot. Unable to muster the patience needed to make it through the post-church rush, you’ll leave hungry but with a paddleball, a case of creme soda and a giant, spiral lollipop in tow.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) —Misplacing your wedding band, you’ll spend three weeks hiding from your spouse at your office downtown. Going AWOL will buy you enough time to order a replacement online, but it will also bring you to the realization your workplace is haunted — a discovery that will make returning to the office impossible. The unexplained absence coupled with the sudden refusal to work will make it difficult to convince your spouse you don’t have a meth addiction — even after coming clean about the lost ring.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) —While at a breastfeeding class at a local hospital, you’ll make a mistake many young yucksters have made — embarrass the woman you love. As you’re finding a seat in the class full of ladies, you’ll make one too many jokes about boobs. The last straw will come when you ask the instructor if the class is hands-on. You’ll be kicked out and land in the doghouse for several days where no amount of foot rubs or breakfasts in bed will get you out of trouble. Tread lightly, my friend.
Cancer (6/22-7/22)—With the box office success of the lackluster “Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice,” you’ll be inspired to write, direct and star in your own terrible movie. The film in question will center around Bronx Moonlight, a struggling New York City superhero who can’t seem to get a steady crime fighting gig, the hook being that NYC has far too many superheroes already. The out-of-work hero instead decides to run for Congress and then makes a bid for the presidency a decade and a half later. He’ll ruin the country, according to half the population.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After being struck by lightning while playing street basketball in your Midtown neighborhood, you’ll acquire the hooping skills of Michael Jordan. Your layups will be perfect and your defense impeccable. At the age of 26, you’ll try out for and make the New Orleans Pelicans roster, which you believe you probably could’ve made before the incident anyway. You’ll have a brief but successful career, schooling an older and much taller LeBron James.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After binge-watching the second season of “Daredevil” on Netflix, you’ll become convinced your lifelong superhero obsession is a sign you should become Baldwin County’s first masked crusader. Donning a purple and green spandex costume with a yellow cape and taking the name Awesome Jubilee Man, you’ll fight to protect the ideals Eastern Shore residents hold dear: low taxes, no litter and art festivals. When the villainous Luxury Apartment Man shows up, you’ll be called into action to thwart his heinous plan.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Upon hearing Nick Saban was named one of the top 50 best leaders in the world, you’ll decide to write-in the Alabama football coach on your November presidential ballot. Surprisingly, you won’t be the only person with the idea and Saban will receive enough votes to win the presidency. On his first day in office, the coach will “process” ISIS out of existence, recruit five-star politicos for his cabinet and use his death stare — usually reserved for media — to make Putin resign.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A routine traffic stop for a malfunctioning tail light will lead to big trouble for you and your family when the officer discovers a 2009 warrant for your arrest. You’ll be hauled off to the county jail for not returning a VHS copy of “Brother Bear 2” to the local Blockbuster eight years ago. Surprisingly, the penalty is 15 years’ imprisonment and a $5,000 fine. To make matters worse, your kids still watch the awful movie twice a week. Perhaps prison won’t be that bad.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Spooked by another politician’s high-profile affair being exposed to the public, you and your side piece decide to lay low for a little while. And by “lay low” I mean on the floor at the office. And by “a little while” I mean as often as possible, so long as the door is locked and nosy old Wanda learns not to knock. Feeling bold, you’ll eventually show a little more PDA, culminating with your SO chewing your food for you when you forget to bring your dentures to the restaurant one night.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Since your NCAA bracket is busted again, you decide to have a little fun by detailing a Sweet Sixteen bracket of your friendships. But you’ll lose credibility when the document is leaked, because Brenda won’t understand why Michael is better than her just because he pays for the hot wings appetizer, and James will be mad when he discovers he lost in the first round to Haley, who doesn’t have ugly kids.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — When things begin to slow down at your positive news media outlet because of all the negative news going around, you start to jump through hoops to report those stories that will make people feel artificially satisfied with the world. Among the developments this week will be that Bill loaned his neighbor John a little gas for his lawnmower without asking for anything in return, and Sally replaced the lost eyeball in Sarah’s doll with a mother-of-pearl button.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll finally realize your insomnia is a problem after staying awake for an entire weekend. It will seem patently obvious after you realize next Monday that, while doing dishes is important, it isn’t something that merits making time for at 4:15 a.m. At that point, you’ll seek professional help, but too sleep deprived to articulate your symptoms, you’ll confuse the good folks at Altapointe and wind up being thrown in a padded room — where ironically you’ll get a solid eight hours’ sleep uninterrupted.