Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be perplexed to discover Santa rejects the cookies and milk you left out Christmas Eve. But you’ll note that between the hours of 1 and 6 a.m., a Callaghan’s gift card and a handful of mini liquor bottles mysteriously disappeared.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Your insurance company will deny your claim for “reindeer damage” on the roof. You’ll also have a hard time in April convincing them the Easter Bunny destroyed your entire landscape.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll take batteries out of a remote control to power some other device gifted on Christmas Day. Later, you’ll take the batteries back out of the device and return them to the remote control, part of a delicate battery ballet that will last for years to come.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Nintendo’s mobile app will cause some trouble next week after you die in Mario Run. While your boss will initially believe you’re checking an urgent email, you’ll blow your cover after muttering “damn you, stupid turtle” in the middle of a staff meeting.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — An elaborate holiday prank will wind up sending you to the hospital after your grandmother proves to be quite the marksman. After seeing you leap from the chimney in the dead of night, the family matriarch will fill you with much more than the spirit of Christmas.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The sudden onslaught of winter weather will drastically change the way your significant other responds to cold feet in the bedroom. While a cold-toes attack might have started a tickle fight in August, it could very well lead to a custody battle as January draws closer.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After being accused of adultery, you’ll have an Alabama police department write a lengthy response to your beloved. The sheer number of redactions will prevent further escalation, and you’ll be able to deny any wrongdoing by citing concerns for “active investigations.”
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be called on the carpet next Monday morning when your bosses discover you overran the budget on the office holiday party. Your “Not So Ho Ho Hum Drum” party featured the USS Alabama floating in champagne, among other amenities.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll land a coveted cabinet position when you convince Donald Trump to replace several Navy ships with duck boats. Gun turrets will be added to the amphibious vehicles and they’ll be painted a steel gray. The idea will float for a while, until it begins to scare tourists.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In honor of Zsa Zsa Gabor’s death, you’ll hum the “Green Acres” theme song throughout the week (even though that show starred her sister Ava). You’ll also be called on to lector at mass. With the pews packed, you’ll read from the “Letter of St. Paul to Ephesians” and put “dahling” at the end.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll discover, after years of research, that the “Star Wars” franchise of movies were documentary films. The revelation won’t be too surprising because it’ll kind of explain Hayden Christensen’s terrible performances. He wasn’t even trying to act.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll drink so much eggnog that you’ll be wearing nothing but a strategically placed stocking by the end of Christmas night. You’ll have to apologize after singing “Jingle Balls,” “Deck the Balls” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa’s …”