I haven’t started yelling “get off my lawn” or saying “I’m just resting my eyes” yet, but after seeing some of the toy ads while watching Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network with my kids over the Thanksgiving holiday, I did ask myself, “What is with these kids today?”
When I was growing up, over the years I got a Western Flyer, a Lite Brite, Operation, an Easy-Bake Oven, Barbie, Ken and their accouterments and a few Cabbage Patch kids.
About the “weirdest” thing I ever wanted was the Baby Alive that REALLY peed and pooped in its little diaper. How fun!
Sure, you can still get some version of most — if not all — of these items, but naturally, as times have changed, so have the toys kids want.
And sadly, some of the most popular items in Santa’s bag this year are just sh*t. Literally, sh*t.
If you don’t want to sit through hours of watching cartoons like I did, just search “poop toys” on Google or Amazon and you will see, there’s a sh*t ton of ‘em.
I am not sure where this fascination with defecation came from, but obviously the demand is there and the suppliers are happy to oblige.
I guess I kind of get it, as all kids of a certain age enjoy a good poop joke, but do we really need to turn this sophomoric humor into actual toys? Apparently, we doo doo.
We can certainly credit the popularity of the poop emoji with some of this, as there are countless plush poo toys, stickers, stamps and writing implements fashioned after it, and I would venture to guess it is the genesis of the recent poo toy phenomenon.
Unicorn “poop” is also extraordinarily popular, but it’s just glitter gel so it’s not totally disgusting. I mean, all unicorns and girls poop glitter, right? We’ve known this since the beginning of time.
But the cute and sparkly poop toys end there. And then it just gets disgusting and disturbing.
There is a “toddler game” called Fish for Floaters, which is advertised as an “educational, creative and sensory bath game” that is great for developing “hand-to-eye coordination.” It comes with two fishing rods, two nets and 12 “floaters” of various shapes (of the log and soft ice cream squirt variety, I presume). This is designed to be used in the bathtub or swimming pool — a “whole new way to drop the kids off,” if you know what I mean. The real trouble with this game, though, is when the final score ends up being 7-6. You can dookie the math on that one.
If netting fake crap out of a bathtub or pool just isn’t your (butt) jam, try a game called Doggie Doo, where you simply clean up after a toy dog. It comes complete with shovels and is described as “hilarious fun.” Lucky for my kids, our schnoodle has created a similar and even more realistic game certain to provide them with all the “hilarious fun” they can handle for years to come!
There is another one called Don’t Step In It. Not since Twister has there been a more engaging and exciting mat game, I tell ya! It is described as “blindfolded, poop-dodging fun.” You simply “mold the included compound [which I’m sure is definitely safe] to look like piles of poop” and whoever steps into the fewest piles wins! Yay!
It encourages “parent-child interaction” or allows kids to share “happiness with friends.” Don’t worry, if your kid is more of a loner, they can simply “dodge the poop solo.”
Can you imagine a more heartbreaking scene than a kid “solo poop dodging” on Christmas morning? I dung know if I can.
A lot of these poop toymakers are more obscure or first gained popularity in other countries, like France or Germany, but even the big American players, like Hasbro and Mattel, have made it their doodie to bring this to kids across our great land. And they have arguably even more disgusting offerings. USA! USA! USA!
Using one of their most iconic brands, Hasbro has Play-Doh Poop Troop. The description reads, “Kids can create their own hilarious poo characters out of squishy, silly Play-Doh compound. Make creations like poop monsters or the famous emojis with the poo mold or by squeezing them from the decorating tool.”
I can only imagine what the “decorating tool” they “squeeze” the poo from is fashioned after! (I rectum it’s the old poop shoot!) Sorry kids, nuts and corn sold separately. Toilet not included!
Don’t worry, though. If you would rather play with poop in a toilet after it has already been, um, formulated, Hasbro’s rival Mattel has just the game for you.
Flushin’ Frenzy is the perfect game to teach your children the joys of handling untreated solid waste with their bare hands — which, let’s face it, along the Gulf Coast is something they may actually encounter one day. Might as well get them acclimated in a fun and loving environment!
You see, each player plunges the toy toilet with the included toy plunger the number of times on the die (great for learning to count!). And then at some point, a giant turd will fly out of the toilet and, I sh*t you not, the player who is able to grab it in midair gets two tokens. Makes sense — a deuce for a deuce! Two for number two!
The famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud often wrote about the connection (or lack thereof) of children to their excrement, so perhaps these toymakers are on to something more profound.
But I don’t care, because it’s nasty. And I’m warning all the kids in my neighborhood right here and now, if any of you show up at my house with Poop Troop in hand, I will definitely be screaming, “Get the hell off of my lawn!”