Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – The NFL’s ambiguous disciplinary rules have you testing your own luck with petty crime. Expecting no more than a slap on the wrist, you pay to see one movie but spend the rest of the night hopping from theater to theater to catch all the new releases. Caught by a security guard and threatened with jail time, you assume a simple assault will get you out of the situation immediately while resulting in little more than a fine later. Too bad you’re no athlete and the law still applies to you. Without a good lawyer you’ll have a felony conviction.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You’ll soon become heavily involved with a “swap and shop” group on Facebook. Before long, your family will think you’ve joined a high-profile drug ring. With your secret trips to various discreet meeting locations, mysterious text messages and amount of cash you suddenly have on hand, you’ll appear to be caught up in some shady business. You’ll make a lot of money until a sale gone wrong leaves you cashless and stranded in a deserted parking lot. Your addiction will then be brought to light when you realize you’ve sold everything you own except the clothes on your back.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – BayFest’s cancellation of artist Cee-Lo has you less eager to pull the trigger on some politically incorrect tweets. True, his statements were inexcusable, but for some, they were also unforgivable. Fearing the loss of your own livelihood and unsure of your ability to bounce back from a scandal, your Twitter feed is filled with compliments and pleasant observations. You donate money to a domestic violence program. You tweet about it and encourage others to do the same.

Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Apple’s big announcement has you all worked up. It’s that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence kind of stuff. You’ve been convincing yourself that you’ll never find true love, but this just might be it. It’s a beautiful connection and you’ll be giddy like a middle schooler at a Valentine’s Day dance. But, as if on cue, you’ll screw up during your first date and drop your long-awaited prize into a glass of wine. Siri will never speak to you again, and you’ll be forced to downgrade to a much cheaper, less respected partner.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You’ll catch a wild hair and enter the 2014 Guitar Center Drum-Off, only to be reminded that you’ve actually never played the drums. What will seem like an eternity to you will been seen by several strangers as three minutes of spasms with a light drum accompaniment. After being asked to leave, you’ll be walked to the car in shame. They even wind up keeping the drumsticks you brought yourself, inadvertently robbing you of the ability to play Rock Band on easy.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – You’ll get trapped on the phone for the better part of your upcoming Saturday. You’ll foolishly answer a call from “Memaw,” thinking the 45-minute window prior to kickoff would give you ample time. Well into the second quarter, you’ll return to the living room to find cold chicken wings, hot beer and a spread that already looks like it won’t go your way. The good news is, you’ll be fully caught up on all the details of some guy’s battle with Gout.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – You’re ready to sink your teeth into one of those Conecuh sausage donuts you’ve been hearing all about as of late. After just one bite, you’ll want to try one of every donut in existence. Soon, you’ll be recognized as the resident donut critic in your city. You’ll gain a few pounds and be known as Donut Monster (who needs Cookie Monster?), but don’t worry, though. It’ll be a good look for you. Besides, it’s a small price to pay for fame and an oh-so-satisfied stomach

Aires (3/21 – 4/19) – You’ll agree to do be in a Guerrilla-marketing video for a product known as “Spray and Clean.” After seeing it shine up a window in seconds, you won’t have any problem verbally endorsing it and signing a wavier. Unfortunately, said wavier also signs over the rights to your name and likeness, which is soon seen allover the Bay area endorsing local festivals, beer joints, various laxatives and stool softeners, Preparation H and myriad of other products that hardly deserve the enthusiastic endorsement you gave to “Spray and Clean.” 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You will get a parking ticket next week near Government Plaza, while trying to get to the City Council meeting. With all of those trucks and cars blocking Joachim Street you will be surprised to walk out and find the tiny red and white slip of paper on your windshield.  You obviously believe the ticket is unwarranted, but you will lose your appeal at the parking office. As a form of revenge, you will pay for the ticket in nothing but pennies.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – It just hits the fan after you put off a tedious task until the very last minute. At times, you can be a professional procrastinator and at times, it has really come back to bite you in the ass. But have you learned a lesson from the stress it inevitably induces? Will you? Of course not. It was far more important at the time to binge watch sitcoms on Netflix.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – You will be become a villain in Midtown this week, after a bad day at work results in a bad choice. After having a few lengthy discussions with your boss about inappropriate clothing choices in the office, you will come home angry and looking for a fight. Right before you will reach your home, you here the familiar sound of the local unicyclist making his way down your street. To relieve stress, you will pin him between your car and a parked car and leave him there.

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You will lose friends after a dinner party incident next week. Your friends will gather with their significant others and celebrate that everyone but you can talk about how cute their babies are. After too many glasses of wine, you will walk up to party host Denise and yell about how her child is more head than baby, comparing the two-month old to a watermelon on a toothpick. You’ll also tell her that he has what’s known as a fivehead and he’ll never find love as an adult.