Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After returning from a trip north you’ll start Mobile’s first-and-only, Southern-themed poutine restaurant. It will fail when it is discovered that gravy-soaked fries topped with cheese curds is too many calories for an area that has hot summers.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll lead a crusade against the development of a new disc-golf course planned for your neighborhood. You’ll claim increased traffic is your number-one concern, but everyone knows you just hate when people have fun around you.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll protest the opening of a new, small-batch doughnut shop because they refuse to sell your favorite maple-glazed doughnuts. With signs like “There will be Map-Hell to pay” you’ll stand outside the shop for days.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll almost immediately regret buying a video doorbell when it becomes apparent that all the device is good for is notifying you when a neighbor drives slowly down the street. Set to your phone ringer, the flurry of notifications will make it sound like there’s a party in your office.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After watching “Cars 3” for the 40th time in a row, you’ll start to imagine what it would be like in a world with anthropomorphic automobiles. You’d fantasize about being a Bugatti, but would probably end up a Bug.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll reflect on your life next week, while on vacation. You’ll ponder how exactly Jell-O shots turned into Jell-O pudding cups and how “The Godfather” turned into “The Fairly Oddparents.” It’ll be a sad trip.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Your sovereign-citizen defense will not get you out of a traffic ticket in the near future. It will, however, net you an arrest for disorderly conduct. Who knew yelling anti-government slogans to city officials outside a daiquiri bar would get you in trouble.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Your family will revolt after two weeks of eating nothing but smoked foods from the smoker you got as a gift recently. The brisket was great, the ribs were fine, but you flew too close to the sun when you smoked a banana and served it as dessert.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — While poolside at a very uptight local swimming club, you’ll try to pass off bourbon as a soft drink in a Coca-Cola tallboy can. The ruse works fine until you begin stumbling around uncontrollably because of too much “Coke.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Always on the lookout for an opportunity to become America’s next celebrity lawyer, you offer to defend former Alabama Law Enforcement Agency Director Spencer Collier against allegations of being batsh*t crazy. It doesn’t matter if you never passed the bar exam, this bar is set pretty low.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Now that the heavy rain has cleared, you’ll want to wait a few days before you enjoy that freshly harvested Alabama seafood. I could be wrong, but I don’t think enterococci is the secret ingredient missing from your grandmother’s famous speckled trout-amandine recipe.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an attempt to prevent future viral road-rage incidents from spoiling Fairhope’s reputation as some kind of “utopia,” you propose legislation for a five-mile radius, no-car zone. The city will be a much more welcoming place when the primary mode of transportation is walkers for seniors with those tennis balls on the feet.
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