Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After a 19-year-old British girl admits to playing the sun on hit children’s show Teletubies, you’ll muster up the courage to admit to being the baby born in the elevator in the 1992 episode of “Roseanne.” However, as “Roseanne” is — with the exception the Hindenburg— undoubtedly the worst humanity ever captured on film, your admission will not be as well received. Eventually, you’ll be run out of Mobile to take shelter in Fairhope, where, as their only connection to the poor, Fairhopians cherish the ‘90s classic.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — You are appalled by the news that Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from “Saved by the Bell,” was arrested for stabbing someone in a barroom altercation over the holidays. No matter what dumb archtype you identified with on the show, somehow we all could relate to Screech’s sweet innocence before he was corrupted by the world’s hate and left as a thorn (or a switchblade) in all our sides. You offer to testify on his behalf, and an exhaustive, rambling psychological analysis you enter into evidence becomes a cautionary tale for child actors everywhere.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — The news that the war in Afghanistan is officially over leads you to terminate some of your life’s other extended affairs. You finally return the hammer you borrowed from a neighbor four years ago; you change fabric softener brands for a refreshing new start; you promise to throw away a comfortable old sweater that has gotten too ragged. You’re going to regret throwing that sweater away. Don’t.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Thank God the holidays are finally over because your in-laws were getting more annoying than that pop-up donation ad on Wikipedia. That’s an appropriate metaphor because your sister’s husband also hit you up for gas money. Things got uncomfortable when he brought an assault rifle to the dinner table, but the last straw was watching him melt down over a missing $50 gift card. You’re not immoral for wishing he was dead, as long as try to imagine that he passes into the next life in a very natural and peaceful way.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — After your wild experience at MoonPie Over Mobile and a stay in the drunk tank, you’ll promise your family a calm January. You’ll try to stay out of trouble, but when you’re unable to find a job due to a “slow market,” also known as your philosophy degree, you’ll get antsy. Unable to behave yourself with so little going on in your life, you’ll begin stealing extension cords in the Oakleigh Garden District. Luckily for you, the crime will go unnoticed and you’ll never get caught.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Life without a spouse will wear thin, as soon as the chores they used to do start to back up. With the household chef gone, you’ll get tired of ramen noodles and ice cream. You’ll notice the trash backs up with the family trash hauler out of the home and you’ll be forced to use paper plates. You’ll become depressed and will get motivated to get a job and your family back, but not before the “Parks and Recreation” marathon ends on TBS.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — With your “film” career over, you’ll focus on community theatre and tell yourself that the time is right and smaller venues are where your heart is. You’ll star in shows alongside the owner of a local car dealership, but go home miserable because you blew your “big break.” Take heart though because your performance as Kim Jong Un in the stage version of “The Interview” will get a positive review in Murphy High School’s student newspaper “The Cat Call.”
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — A week from Thursday, world-renowned saxophonist Kenny G will deliver an impromptu jazz performance at a local Wal-Mart. Sponsored by Charmin toilet paper, Kenny will serenade toilet-paper lovers worldwide, congregating on aisle six to take a bold stance in denouncing those pesky dingleberries. After a moving rendition of “My Heart Will Go On,” the lady standing next to you will lean in and tearfully whisper, “he is an American treasure.”
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — Your heart will slowly break into a million little pieces when you learn a coworker is not too amused with Pusheen the cat. It’s clear your love for the emoticon might be a little unhealthy, but your cohort doesn’t even know what sending a Facebook sticker means. Annoyed, you’ll create a group chat appropriately named “Work Shenanigans” to educate your unlearned coworker on Internet trends and words like “thirsty” and “ratchet.”
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — After hearing about a guy who chugged a carton of eggnog in a record-breaking 12 seconds, you’ll set out to make yourself the new champion. Turns out the guy was hospitalized for basically inhaling the thick liquid into his lungs, but you won’t know that until after you’ve downed the holiday drink in a whopping six seconds. You’ll be transported to the hospital near immediately while brown liquid pours from all your orifices. Local news stations will rejoice, as you’ll be the first suspected case of Ebola in 2015.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You’ll be one of many proud citizens after the Mobile County Commission decides to move ahead with $8 trillion, bond-funded “Space Port” at the mouth of the Mobile river. Knowing space travel is the next big economic development venture, the always-forward-thinking commission will break ground on the facility that will undoubtedly send the Port City “to infinity, and beyond.” However, after a promised partnership from a private organization falls through, the debt cripples the county, which is eventually unincorporated to become a parking lot for Baldwin County.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — Finally free from the terrors of constant Christmas music, you’ll celebrate the way any self-respecting gentleman would — by dusting off your trusty of copy of Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic 2001.” However, you’ll have egg on your face when your priest asks for a ride this week and is immediately inundated with lyrics about “blunts and forties” after entering your midsized sedan. Struggling to come up with a an excuse, you’ll be relieved as Father Michaels recites the entire second verse of the “What’s the Difference?” without missing a beat.