Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll go a little “cavalier” at the first Mardi Gras parade in Mobile by hijacking a horse and stealing the sword from the statue of Raphael Semmes. Once you’re outmanned and cornered by a Segway tour group, you’ll lay down your arms and call a truce at A&M Peanut Shop.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After following coverage of a week-long manhunt in the tricounty area, you’ll be disappointed to learn the fugitive has been in jail the whole time. However, because of network sweeps, you won’t learn any of that from the local news.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Hearing two longtime friends talk about their investment portfolios will leave you relatively sad about your place in the world — a feeling that will quickly fade after you remember that there’s going to be a brand-new Star Wars movie every year for the foreseeable future.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — When your friend uses the phrase “a real pill” to describe a rude man in the grocery, you’ll start to suspect she’s secretly been your grandmother in disguise for a number of years. Perplexed, you’ll distract her with an old Reader’s Digest before sneaking out the door.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll become too sleepy to function at work next week after getting accidentally sucked into a TV Land marathon of “I Dream of Jeannie.” Unfortunately, the program’s plot will spill into your subconscious, causing you to repeatedly wrinkle your nose after being confronted by a supervisor.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll end up in the hospital after purging your body of all the food and drinks consumed in the two weeks following the Patriots’ Super Bowl win. Recovering, you’ll buy a ‘90s-era choker with a Falcon on it.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After your script is turned down by the Mobile Theater Guild because it was too “on the snout,” you’ll open your literal “Dog and Pony Show” at the Daphne Civic Center. Upon not receiving your deposit back, you’ll swear the center always smelled like horse manure.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After spotting a certain horse-faced former quarterback at a bar you frequent downtown, you’ll gallop over to get his autograph. Unfortunately, he will be in a bad mood after waiting too long for a drink. He’ll rudely say “neigh” and stiff-arm you.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll watch in horror as the Alabama Legislature, strapped for cash, quarters prisoners in the homes of citizens. Fortunately, you’ll share your abode with one of the many nonviolent drug offenders currently locked up. It’ll be a good time.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll dress up in an adult diaper, grab a bow and arrows, and play matchmaker as a Valentine’s Day Angel of Love. You’ll spend all week firing heart-tipped arrows into the asses of every Republican and Democrat you meet.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You will be arrested by an overzealous ABC Board agent for whispering the word “alcohol” on a public right of way. Ironically, the toilet wine you produce and hustle in jail will be embraced by prisoners and law enforcement officers alike.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After visiting the newest exhibit at the History Museum of Mobile, the Toto song “Africa” will be stuck in your head until eternity. Or at least until you bump into some Aussies at a bar, when the Men at Work song “Down Under” takes its place.