Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Your coordination will be put to the test soon, when your significant other decides to purchase bicycles for the two of you and start a new, exciting hobby. It has been decades since you’ve been on a bike and that fact will become painfully obviously when on the maiden voyage you wobble more than a drunk toddler. You will be teased mercilessly by your loved one. Seriously, what kind of adult person can’t ride a bike? Invest in training wheels.
Cancer (6/22 -7/22) — You will draw ire from your mate when you bring home nothing but hash browns for dinner. You will ask your loved one repeatedly for dinner suggestions and hearing none you’ll grab the family-sized portion of the starchy side dish. Hearing the angry complaints will almost be worth the superiority you’ll feel for teaching your sweetie a lesson. Although, keep in mind revenge is best served cold, like in the form of a lonely night on the couch.
Leo (7/21 – 8/23) — You won’t regret the wedding you attend this weekend at all. After an evening of toasts and dancing, you’ll be one of the few in the wedding party left capable of speaking to the carters. When they ask you to help move some of the left over boxes of alcohol, you’ll happily oblige and begin promptly moving them into your car. The money you’ll save in the coming weeks will more than recoup the cost of the punch bowl you purchased as a gift.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) — After a quiet breakfast, you’ll head down to the local AT&T store to show your support for “Net Neutrality.” You won’t be swayed when the head salesman explains to you that’s an FCC decision and has nothing to with a small product store on Airport Boulevard. Screaming out “I will not be silenced!” you’ll knock over several stands of phone cases before another employee strikes you with an iPhone from across the room like a shuriken. Luckily, your Guy Fawkes mask keeps it from breaking the skin.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — While entering a restaurant tomorrow, a man will ask if it’s your car that’s triple parked and blocking him in. You’ll rightfully say “no,” but he won’t believe you as he proceeds to ask if you know to whom it might belong. For the sake of impressing a co-worker, you’ll lie and say, “Alright, it is mine. What of it?” After ramming the car he thinks is yours twice, he’ll peel out of the parking lot. Realistically, you can’t be blamed for that.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Keeping up with the times, you’ll buy Google Glass and become a Glasshole. You’ll realize it was bad purchase the first time you try to take a picture for the “Sweet Mullets in Public” thread on Reddit. After hearing you audibly say, “Glass, take a picture,” the owner of the mullet in question will not be happy. He’s been ridiculed for his hair too long, and is oddly well versed in Glass commands. Imitating your voice, he yells out, “Glass, destroy me.” Your hair will burst into flames. It’s an odd feature.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) — In preparation for the 2014 World Cup, you’ll begin practicing violent nationalism in everyday situations. After thinking you hear a British accent at the bar, you’ll start aggressively chanting “USA!” It turns out you’re just bad with accents, and the gentlemen you heard is actually from Massachusetts. He then proceeds to join you in the chant, as does the rest of the bar. Drunken people are oddly patriotic. You’ll also take up a dancing class at the behest of your spouse, who is convinced the two of you aren’t fun enough. Carnivals are fun, dancing sucks.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After being asked to “send a fax” at work, you’ll realize you were born into a world of email and have no idea how do whatever that means. After repeatedly rubbing the piece of paper against a phone, you’ll try the buttons on the coffee maker you’ve never pressed. You’ll also try shoving it into a disc drive, staring at it and repeatedly striking it with a stapler. When the wrinkled, coffee-stained document finally gets to its destination, you’re already in a meeting with HR.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — The upcoming primaries will put you in a rowdy mood. So rowdy, in fact, that you’ll get drunk on peach schnapps and argue with a loved one over the merits of a constitutional amendment banning cats from the state. Your argument that all felines are good for is being lazy and eating lasagna will immediately and rightfully be ridiculed. Your weak world views, based solely on comic strips, have no place in political discourse. Read a book, or watch an Internet cat video.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — A drunken decision at an upcoming music festival will lead to an assault charge. Your middle-class sensibilities will be threatened by the overwhelmingly powerful stench of reefer and hippie body odor. While shotgunning free beer, you’ll decide to take matters into your own hands and shave a female music fan sporting dreadlocks and a nondescript tie-dye T-shirt. She will get suspicious and begin to call for security when you eagerly lift her up to prepare for the deed.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — It’s wedding season, which for you means a lot of open bars and bad decisions will be forthcoming. Don’t go to your ex’s wedding next month. The invite that was sent to you was done so just to be nice and nobody really wants you there. You’ll get in trouble there when you decide to pre-game the ceremony and when the right reverend asks if anyone has any reason why the bride and groom shouldn’t be wed, you’ll strip naked, run down the aisle in tears, screaming the lyrics to “Ironic.”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Your week will end in one of the worst ways possible — with your body covered in fecal matter. While being entertained at an outdoor concert the call of nature will consume you and you will be forced to use a nearby portable toilet. Right in the middle of your deed, a group of heavily intoxicated mosh pitters will get a little to close to the modern-day outhouse and tip it over. You will be inconsolable once the combination of days-old poo and chemical water gets in your mouth.
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