Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After escaping the voodoo of Auburn Jesus, you, an Alabama fan, will focus your attention on the postseason and secretly sending Bill O’Brien’s resume to various athletic directors.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Stuffed with turkey after days of Thanksgiving leftovers, you’ll crave kale and avocado for the first time in your life. You’ll try it and immediately regret the decision. You’ll convince yourself “good fat” is a myth.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Keenly aware of supply chain shortages, you’ll hoard turkeys and hams awaiting the impending Christmas push, then set up a stand in your front yard offering each for $75 a pop. You’ll clean up! But someone will destroy your inflatable front yard Grinch with a ham bone.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — The holiday season is killing your love life. You and your significant other will be ready to get it on, when one of you looks over and sees an Elf on the Shelf staring and smiling. The mood is ruined. The weirdest part, though, is the next morning there’s a creepy message from the elf telling you, “Santa likes it when you’re on the naughty list.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — The Christmas arms race in the neighborhood is getting pretty heated. You pulled out your inflatable Frosty and the next thing you know, the neighbor to the left has an entire inflatable Whoville and to the right is a 25-foot-tall Snoopy wearing a Santa hat. It’s pure madness. Especially after you buy a 42-foot-tall version of the lamp from “A Christmas Story.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll pull the trigger on buying a Tesla with mixed results. Yes, you love being able to play “Asteroids” and “Centipede” while you’re waiting 45 minutes every few days to charge the car at the desolate “supercharger” station at Bel Air Mall, but being carjacked five times in the first week really kills the fun.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your significant other will sign up for something called G Chat to fill the few minutes when the two of you aren’t either texting, calling or emailing one another. Suddenly there will be a box on your screen and the two of you will soon be writing one another about the most mundane things happening at work, which means that first 15 minutes you’re home each night will join the rest of the empty void that is your every evening.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — A terrible photo of you on Facebook will lead to nearly all of your upcoming Christmas gifts — spoiler alert! — being either wrinkle cream or huge sunglasses. All of this will make you yearn for the coming “Metaverse” so you can get an online character with perfect skin — and huge boobs.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Be prepared to wake up in the middle of the night to reruns of your wife’s favorite classic holiday movies playing loudly and continuously on repeat. You’ll start to have a recurring nightmare of shooting your eye out with a Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot range model air rifle.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — As a half-hearted football fanatic, you left the downtown Iron Bowl block party on Saturday in the third quarter as Bama was losing 10-3. After the Tide swept back to win in the fourth overtime, you wish you had stayed to see fan reactions, which ranged from smiling to public nudity.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Exhausted and chilled following a week-long fight over the thermostat with your visiting warm-blooded mother-in-law during the Thanksgiving holiday, you will finally bump the heat up to a comfortable 70 degrees and start to defrost.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You will enjoy the new 70-inch TV this Christmas you were able to snag on Black Friday. You’ll remain slightly conflicted about having to put an elderly woman in a headlock to grab the last one from the sales pile.
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