Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll help the Westboro Baptist Church overcome a persistent public relations problem after pitching a uniquely Mobile solution. Future targets of the notorious protestors will be grateful the slogan “Without Malice” was added to all of the group’s trademark signs.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After receving 13 unsolicited robocalls from the “Addiction Specialists,” you’ll take the hint and give up drinking for a few days. While the change will serve you well, you’ll turn back to booze next month when the calls are revealed to be an identity theft racket.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — At an upcoming town hall meeting, you’ll loudly repeat chants you heard online with no regard for their applicability. When the speaker says, “Good evening,” you’ll respond by throwing a brick at him before proceeding to call your arresting officer a “fascist” for half an hour.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Responding to North Korean weapons testing, you’ll start cleaning guns in your front yard. While a hand-me-down weapon incapable of reaching its target isn’t threatening, it’ll be an appropriate response to what proves to a three-month temper tantrum for Kim Jong Un.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In what you’ll hope is a dream caused by eating too many crawfish downtown, you’ll watch as giant, alien, alligator-like creatures escape Mobile Bay and make landfall on the city. It’s soon discovered that the Elton John hit “Crocodile Rock” can actually be used as a repellent.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll be charged a hefty fine after you attempt to make Mobile more like a “big city” by attempting to color the river green for St. Patrick’s Day. Your color proportions will be off, however, and you’ll make the river doo doo brown. The Sierra Club will not be pleased.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be more than starstruck when Los Angeles Angels slugger Mike Trout makes a rehab appearance with the Mobile BayBears. Unfortunately, the new netting will fail and a foul ball he hits will smack you right in the face. You’ll get a new jersey out of it.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — As an adult with a lingering ear infection, you’ll feel a bit silly as you wait alongside children to see the doctor. It’s not a big deal until the nurse hands you a balloon because you’re so well behaved during your appointment.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll attend the American Cancer Society’s Chili Cook-Off not for the wide variety of spicy stews, but for the abundant availability of saltine crackers. Next weekend, you’ll be at the Child Advocacy Center’s Cajun Cook-Off solely for its garlic bread.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Sickened by the current contemporary rock scene, you and your old bandmates reunite to “bring grunge back.” But now that you’ve secured a reasonable mortgage and stable job with a 401(k), the music won’t have that same familiar “suicidey” vibe.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After the Mobile Ballet’s performance of “Sleeping Beauty,” you’ll lead the board of directors in a group hug. The brief display of unity will do nothing to resolve its ongoing lawsuit, but you’ll all follow through with a glass of wine and a trip to New Orleans for dinner.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After attending the skateboard art show at Spire Friday, you’ll be motivated to ride the ramps and grind some rails. Several reconstructive surgeries later, you’ll finally realize your skating days are over.