Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Enthralled by the scandal embroiling the British royal family, you launch an effort to further smear the Queen’s good name. It turns out she renamed “Big Ben” “Elizabeth Tower” because it contributed to Prince Philip’s inferiority complex.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Determined to celebrate spring break despite your advanced age and ongoing COVID restrictions, you head to the beach for a weekend of heavy drinking and maybe even some sex. You’ll be rejected by the younger crowd, but things look promising when you agree to join some lingering snowbirds at the RV park for a game of strip bridge.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Thinking of ways you can capitalize on Amtrak’s notoriously slow service when it inevitably returns to Mobile, you conceive of a faster alternative with a remarkably similar name. Amcrak doesn’t need any rails though — you just hop on a crackhead’s back and dangle a bag of drugs in front of him. You’ll be in the French Quarter in no time.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Marvel Entertainment will reject your pitch to introduce a new superhero into the multiverse. Don’t fret — “Max Mandate” will be a popular comic book staple in general practitioners’ waiting rooms, where he will encourage the use of face coverings for infinity.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In an existential crisis soon to affect an entire generation of woke liberals, you’ll cancel yourself when some people on Twitter call you out for celebrating St. Patrick’s Day even though you have no Irish ancestry. Boy, Cinco de Mayo isn’t gonna be fun anymore either.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Researching a beloved children’s book author for a biography you’re writing, you uncover a shocking passage in an early draft of one of his best-known works. “I do not like them with an Asian, I only eat them with Caucasians. I do not like green eggs and ham, Aryan Nation Sam I am.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll discover it’s just not your week after a coworker will report that the tire on your sedan is losing air. Fed up with the luck life has given you, you’ll decide to drive the car anyway to see what happens. Two days later you’ll have to call your insurance agency with a doozy of a story.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll become the office pariah when, once fully vaccinated, you’ll mix up your workplace routine with your work-from-home schedule. When you show up to your desk in nothing but a bathrobe, human resources will have a few questions.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Hearing that Herman Thomas is launching a City Council campaign, you brainstorm a few helpful political slogans off the cuff: “Herman Thomas is up the creek WITH a paddle!” “Herman Thomas will spank the competition!” “Herman Thomas: Disbarred and in charge!” “Herman Thomas: Watch your ass!”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Irate at a slow internet connection in the summer of 2053, you’ll beg your Mobile City Council representative to bring the body’s meetings back in person. Laughed at for your weak suggestion, councilors will continue to hold remote meetings, claiming it’s better for everyone.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Fully vaccinated and loving life, you’ll decide to put a year of inhibitions to rest at a St. Patrick’s Day party this year. While the two doses of the Pfizer vaccine help protect from contracting COVID-19, you’ll find out that they do not cure a hangover. It’ll be a two-day beauty that will cause you to miss work.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Inspired by Oprah Winfrey’s recent interview of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, you’ll also try to bring down a years-old monarchy. You’ll set your sights on the Duke of the Golden Arches — that’s right, Ronald McDonald. The silly clown-faced so-and-so won’t know what hit him as you eat cheeseburger after cheeseburger.
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