Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You will get hungry sick after waiting an hour for food from a visiting food truck and being denied service when it runs out of the doughnut burger you will be eyeing. Out of anger you will slash the tires on the truck and push elderly people, as you make your way out of line. Your adult kickball team will lose next week after you will strike out. How do you strike out in kickball? You never were very athletic.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — You will begin to feel uncomfortable when Daisy, a seemingly pleasant young customer service representative for your local Internet provider, answers the customer complaint hotline. You ask multiple times to be transferred to someone else before telling her the slow service is really putting a cramp in your “me time” festivities. An awkward pause on the other end forces you to hang up on Daisy and immediately switch providers.
Leo (7/21 – 8/23) — You will amuse coworkers with your spot-on Bill Clinton impersonation. It killed at parties in 1996 and will continue to do so when the first-ever First Man is “debriefing” social media interns in the Oval Office in a couple of years. Sure, you lean to the right, but a Hillary 2016 victory means at least four more years of your best impression. Your Rand Paul just isn’t as good. The next onion you peel will make you cry.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) — You will be banned from a LoDa bar in the future. After one too many Rusty Nails on a lonely Thursday you’ll get in a debate with a large bouncer about the merits of not drinking while on antibiotics. You’ll scoff when the burley, 40-something skinhead tells you he’s in medical school. When you laugh and challenge the much-larger man to spell medical school he’ll violently kick you out of the bar. Don’t worry, it will be totally worth it.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Inspired by recent events, you will hold a protest against your boss in the cramped quarters of the office break room next week. You’ll be asking for more vacation days, Seattle fast food worker pay and a shoe allowance, but will get nothing, except a pink slip. You always had a feeling your love of hand-crafted Italian loafers would get you fired and that is what will happen. At least you’ll have nice shoes for your next interview.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Taking a note from recent political campaigns you will fund your very own robocall message. You will pay to send out a blanket message asking voters “What are you wearing?” The message will also contain heavy breathing before it hangs up. You will be very delighted with this robocall and its effectiveness. It goes a lot better for you then your second choice, which involved a invite to prom that included a world-class belch.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) — Your new neighbors will seem slightly more drug addled than you’d hoped. The sight of their barefoot, 12-year-old son smoking won’t help endear them to you. Instead of baking pie and welcoming them to the neighborhood, you might find yourself flushing all of your household’s pseudoephedrine and looking at other apartments. You’ll also take a crack at the community kickball league after you see a poster for one downtown. You already wear skinny jeans and work as a part-time barista. You might as well.
Capricon (12/22 – 1/19) — After receiving a Foosackley’s gift card from your boss, you’ll eat chicken three times a day for a solid week. When you notice the first feather, you’ll just ignore it and carry on as usual. Coworkers will feel too awkward to ask you about the first cock-a-doodle-doo. As the day creeps on and you suggest dried corn from the ground as a lunch option, you’ll be called into a personnel meeting. After laying several eggs in the conference room, you’re promoted.
Aquarius (1/21 – 2/18) — When you mistakenly take two Advil PMs on your way to work, back pain will be the least of your worries. After fighting off sleep for two hours, reality and the dream world start to blur. You’ll wonder why the claims adjuster in the cubicle next to you is building a go-kart out of salami, but you won’t get to ask before you inadvertently fall asleep. You’ll also play the scratch-offs while traveling through Mississippi. You win, but in reality you’re still at work unconscious under your desk.
Pisces (1/20 – 2/18) — A fishing trip gets out of hand fast when the Marine Police catch you on a boat with 143 red snapper. What started as a relaxing afternoon with your father and grandfather, quickly turns into a high-speed chase on the drink. Your granddad will toss snapper at the police boats behind you, while your dad maneuvers the boat through the wakes of larger vessels. Eventually, a well-placed toss deters the 5-0, but by that point you’ve thrown out enough fish to meet the bag limits.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — A jog around the block becomes a race against time as you realize you left a pizza in the oven. Taking shortcuts through people’s yards and houses, you’ll arrive in time to see smoke billowing from your kitchen window. Luckily, there won’t be any damage to the house, but you’ll have to eat the pizza because it’s the “other” week in your pay schedule. After putting hot sauce on the pile of ash, you’ll find that it’s somehow still better than delivery.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — An extra shot of espresso will cause a case of the jitters on your day off next week. You’ll pace around the house aggressively before deciding to head outside to see what the world has to offer. While passing a moving car at a casual pace, a cop will stop to ask if you’re all right. You’ll respond with, “absolutely not,” and continue to speed down the sidewalk. You’ll also have a quarrel with your future spouse this week. So with that in mind, feel free to propose to anyone who upsets you.