Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll get your jollies on Halloween by hiding in azalea bushes waiting for trick-or-treaters to pass by. Once they’re within earshot, you’ll terrify them by whispering, “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll Netflix and chill this Halloween with some classic horror movies. In the darkness during “Hellraiser” or perhaps “The Babadook,” you’ll reach in the popcorn bowl and discover it’s actually full of cockroaches.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll realize you’ve missed the mark this year with a traditional ghost costume when you’re mistaken for a leader of the alt-right. Angry counterprotesters will disrobe you and steal your candy.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll spend the weekend listening to “Monster Mash” on repeat and attempting to bake homemade candy corn. After failing to find the key ingredients Yellow 6 and Red 3, you’ll simply draw the color on each kernel with crayons.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Your Halloween party will be ruined when the host substitutes Granny Smith apples for Red Delicious in the bobbing tank. What’s next? Are they going to hand out pretzel M&M’s instead of the original milk chocolate to trick-or-treaters?
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’ll be kicked out of a haunted house for stopping midway through the tour to instruct the actors on how to act. The attraction will get poor reviews on social media, but Ebola Patient No. 3 will go on to win a Tony Award someday.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll realize your memory is not what it used to be when you forget the lyrics to “The Time Warp” during a screening of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” You also forgot to put on pants, but somehow you still fit right in.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be mistaken for a witch when you run errands in your “around the house” clothes. Neighbors will become even more suspicious when you sweep the porch and fill a pot with water … for boiling shrimp.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Don’t let the puns stop at Chicken Boo-dle Soup — expand your Halloween menu with other fun seasonal offerings. Some suggestions: Horrors d’œuvres, sandwitches, a ghoulash perhaps, and for dessert, terrormisu.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll actually be excited to find a razor blade in your Halloween candy because, damnit, razor blades are expensive these days like everything else. Now if someone would only spike your punch with some affordable health care …
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Christian pilgrims will flock to visit your jack o’lantern after a blogger notes its vague resemblance to the Virgin Mary. A visitor will smash it when you admit you were actually aiming for a bust of Hillary Clinton.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll challenge the definition of the word “fun” after eating about two pounds of “fun-size” candy bars in a 24-hour period. Thankfully, you will have about three weeks to recover before you eat four regular-size Thanksgiving pies.
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