Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll try to argue with a 5-year-old boy over the logistics of a play fight this weekend, a task that is as futile as it sounds. After what seems like hours, you’ll both agree to use imaginary guns, prompting the child to immediately tell you he’s “bulletproof” and can “run really, really fast.” You, on the other hand, will just be you — a grown up with no powers other than the ability to start Netflix, which despite his skills in martial arts, your nemesis has yet to master.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Tiring of social media outrage dividing America, you’ll decided to create a Twitter handle called “Offensive Tweets.” You’ll start slinging out a series of racist, misogynistic, anti-Islamic, anti-Semitic and otherwise culturally insensitive tweets, and it won’t take the noble citizens of the World Wide Web long to notice. Soon, they’ll be calling for your job, your house and the very freedom you sought to protect. However, after noticing the “JK” in your “about me” section, everyone on the whole Internet will feel really silly and have a big laugh together. Mission accomplished.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Hearing about a remake of “Conan The Barbarian,” you’ll give up on life. You’ll completely abstain from all motion, sound and thought. For weeks you’ll sit in your own filth across from the computer where you first saw the news about the remake. If you could talk, you’d probably say “That movie was bad enough the first time.” After enough time passes, your family will have you committed to an adult care facility where they’ll ultimately forget about you entirely.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Learning about the existence of “honorary deputies,” you see an opportunity to solve one of the city’s most pervasive problems. With a handful of custom badges ordered from a Louisiana website, you spend a Saturday deputizing all the transients in Bienville Square, vaguely tasking them to eliminate the nuisance squirrel population. But the squirrels will fight back and the battle will get ugly. State law enforcement officers intervene after you begin calling yourself “The Sheriff” and patrolling the block with an MRAP.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your hips and ass grow by four inches and 28 pounds, respectively, immediately upon the availability of Olive Garden’s new Breadstick Creations© — sandwiches featuring what you know as the “Bread of God” — served hot and everywhere beginning June 1. But it’s your mental health, not your body, that will suffer more as you gradually replace every meal with the restaurant’s processed meat, cheese and calorie-rich sauce served between its signature steaming, buttery bread. Your food triangle is suddenly less dimensional, more closely resembling a roughly loaf-shaped “circle of sadness.” But a real spiral begins after a coworker later tips you off to Taco Bell’s new Potato Crisp Nachos©.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As the criminal trial against a county official heats up, you begin to spend hours on the courthouse steps wearing a tinfoil hat and carrying a sign welcoming life forms from outer space. Daily, like-minded individuals will arrive via Megabus to join you. One of them is a tall, white haired man wearing a fishing vest and hat who gives you an unsettling feeling of déjà vu. He only communicates in whispers and is suspicious of what he refers to as “chameleon people.” You’ll know it’s time to leave when you awaken from a nap on a park bench with a small new scar on the back of your neck.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When the “picked for you” option on Pinterest matches your profile with one owned by a sheepherder from Sheboygan, you realize that your interests may not fit in with the small Southern town where you live. On a whim you’ll decide to pack your bags and move to the Great White North, where your interests in rare Russian hens, synthpop music and log cabin home design are accepted. You’ll have a happy life with the sheepherder, and when you write to your parents for the first time in three months, you’ll say “Wish you were shear!”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — When your significant other takes a photo of you and your German Shepherd sharing an ice cream cone, then posts it on Facebook, you quickly become an Internet meme. Your photo will be shared by 556 of her friends, who then share it with each of their friends. You will become known as Ice Cream Dog Dude and your rise to Internet fame will be quicker than Emo Dad, Dancing Baby and Grumpy Cat. Your fall from stardom will be just as quick when a new photo of the O RLY? Owl partying with Success Kid surfaces and takes the interwebs by storm.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Everything will go wrong for you this week. Your car battery will die while you’re eating lunch at the chicken finger place. When you call your buddy for a lift, he won’t answer. The next morning you’ll open up the box of Lucky Charms and see that your roommate ate all the marshmallows. Your boss will fire you from your job at the movie theater because of the overwhelming odor of the medicinal tree oil you’ve been wearing as deodorant. You’ll get sued by Blockbuster for losing that “Brother Bear 2” DVD you rented nine years ago.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Inspired by the Pitch Perfect movies, you’ll organize a riff-off in your office. The conference room will come to life with the rhyming verses of hip-hop from days gone by. Coworkers will mix that with some pop tunes and everyone will have a good time. An argument will break out when Denise in sales comes in on “its,” instead of “it’s.” You won’t be able to let the grammar slip go. The fight that will take place will result in all a capella actions ceasing. It’s not awesome.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be trapped on a desert island sometime after Memorial Day weekend after the single-engine aircraft you were riding in crashes. You and your pet monkey Osmosis will survive, although the pilot will perish. With no hope of returning to normal life, you’ll begin to cook the pilot and build a hut. Just as the human bacon touches your lips, you’ll notice a Wal-Mart out of the corner of your eye. They really do put those things everywhere.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be stuck watching your favorite band from concert jail, after Orange Beach Police charge you with singing too loud at The Wharf. The crackdown will come as complaints roll in from elderly residents about the noise from the revenue-generating concert venue. The city will issue an ordinance that promises at least a fine for anyone enjoying the concert at more than a puritan level. The new laws will force developers to move the venue, by helicopter, to the site of the Mobile Civic Center. That solves two problems in one.