Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll awake on a spacecraft 100 years from now. Although you’ll have been in suspended animation, you’ll still recognize all the old Mobile haunts. It turns out that the city will have been recreated in space, as everyone heads for a better tomorrow.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In an effort to lower the crime rate, Mobile will offer everyone a free puppy from the city’s shelter. It works like magic. The baby dogs relieve stress and anger and lead to everyone generally getting along — everyone that is, except cat people.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your life will change when the dry cleaning attendant accidentally gives you the Ten Sixty Five mascot instead of your laundry. Suddenly you’re invited to all the parties and eventually you’ll ascend to the top of the world air guitar rankings.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be accosted by ABC agents during the Dauphin Street Beer Fest. Apparently, refilling a mug with a new beer without completely rinsing it of the previous brew constitutes an illegal blend, and also indicates you’re a communist.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Your enrollment in the citizen’s fire academy feels pointless after you learn it’s not a 10-week campaign of targeted arson against the houses of your enemies. But your attitude lightens during a CPR course, after the dummy slips you the tongue.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be hushed and scorned after you try to carry on a conversation in The Listening Room. Not able to wait, you explain that your incessant chatting is actually just an improv spoken-word performance. You are awarded 10 minutes on stage.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After some in-store shenanigans, you’ll be permanently banned from Old Shell Growlers. It turns out filling up a 35-gallon tub with tap beer and asking patrons if anyone wants a “kiddie pool Pilsner” is somehow illegal in Alabama.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After low turnout for the municipal election, your hometown will wind up under the direction of the most popular girl from the local high school. As mayor, her first official action will be to make it illegal for anyone to talk to Derrick until she leaves for Blue Cliff.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll feel better about your college band’s hiatus after you realize officials in Mobile delayed a $40 million project over “clashing personalities.” You and the current county commissioners will both draw sizable crowds to your respective reunion tours in 2030.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In an unprecedented move, internet trolls will respectfully stop making memes about the gorilla Harambe after realizing the Cincinnati Zoo is “not amused” by them. Days later, the same people will also pledge to stop leaving anonymous comments on al.com.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll hallucinate after eating some spoiled seafood leftovers. You’ll speak incoherently and run from what appears to be a giant green monster. The next day a large, monster-sized footprint is all that remains.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Local political blogs will be abuzz when you are named mayor of Fairhope as a write-in candidate. Your first order of business will be turning all of downtown into one giant apartment complex and filling in Fly Creek. You won’t be popular.