Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Moonchild that you are, you’d think having two full moons this month would make you happy, but you find yourself inexplicably in a blue funk, finding even blueberries at $1 per pint at Winn-Dixie fails to cheer you up. Instead, the concentration of impending lunar energy fills you with a sense of foreboding you just can’t explain. Then you remember the second full moon in a month happens just “once in a blue moon,” and content yourself with throwing peanuts at the blue jays in your yard.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’re settling into your part-time job rather nicely when it dawns on you how much older you are than everyone else in the office and you begin worrying about your image. You can’t hope to compete with the young fashionistas, since wearing tall wedges would send you tumbling down the stairs. And cursing with the guys might make them fear you have cougar intentions. After checking your horoscope, you decide to just be yourself and hope they aren’t laughing behind your back, confident that one day you will amaze them by being able to name the 13th Floor Elevators’ only hit record.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll learn the true meaning of freedom after spending the Fourth of July weekend in the Mobile Metro Jail for public intoxication. Apparently, the shallow waters off the causeway are considered “public” and two cases of Coors Light and a taste of Crown Royal may render you “intoxicated.” But it was with the spirit of the founding fathers that you incoherently declared independence from sobriety — and from your own swimming trunks — as you momentarily basked in the warm waters of Mobile Bay.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Based solely on the fact that your Facebook posts about politics are generally well received and get a handful of “likes” and “shares,” you’ll decide to run for local office. You have no experience in business or politics, but people always say they want new faces. Your platform, pushing for the four-day workweek and free candy bars for all, will secure you second place in the next race for Fairhope mayor.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When your town council declines to appropriate funds for a new soccer complex, you decide to build your own backyard field of dreams. Sure, you’ll have to clean out your savings account and meager 401(k), but the kids in town need a place to play. After wiping out your kids’ college fund, you’ll be disappointed when the local soccer league chooses to play at Foley’s Blue Collar sports complex instead.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Hours after sharing a breaking news story from al.com, you’ll be surprised to notice the headline has morphed drastically from what you intended to share. After only an hour, the headline that once read “Wild boars invade city hall, fatally injure mayor” will be subsequently changed until it simply states “Cat isn’t too happy about his bath time.” Thankfully, a Buzzfeed reporter will be on hand to point out the continuing and changing coverage of the event that never was.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — On June 30, time scientists added an additional second to the clocks of the world to adjust for the planet’s slowing rotation. Almost a week later, you’ll still be adjusting to the difference, your entire routine thrown off by a moment. On Friday, you’ll miss the bus, but that’s only the beginning. The next day you’ll brush your teeth too long, causing a skin abrasion to irritate your already-sensitive gums. Over time, the small irritation grows into full-blown gingivitis, which contributes significantly to your impending divorce.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You feel suspicious about the slightly older lady who recently assumed a part-time role at the office. Discussing your concerns with the guys in the kitchen, the consensus is she’s either genuinely cool or has some veiled cougar intentions. Extending an invitation for a few drinks after work one day will likely clarify any ambiguity, but you remain perplexed by her reaction to an obscure song on the jukebox screaming something like, “You’re gonna wake up one morning as the sun greets the dawn …”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With the Supreme Court striking down a security blanket last week, commitaphobes will simultaneously break up with their significant others in unison. The broken-hearted masses will soon find out the liberal “I’m not getting married until same-sex couples can” stance was just a ploy to avoid a long-term commitment. It will also be discovered those same people simultaneously decided recycling was too hard and will stop. A new political party will rise, known as the Convenient Democratic Party.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll find an old bottle of Michael Jordan cologne in a dusty box at your parents’ house over July Fourth weekend. You’ll immediately begin wearing it because — like in eighth grade — you want to smell like a sweaty, successful basketball player. Once you spritz yourself, you’ll demand everyone call you the greatest of all time. God help the poor soul who even mentions the name LeBron.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your support of rational thought and discussion in this modern age will be put to the test next month when liberals and conservatives argue the finer points of the next big political offering on social media. You’ve never been one to make vitriolic statements, but the debate will force you to unfollow most on your friends list. You’ll be left with only one friend, your 85-year-old grandmother., and you’ll soon find out she’s a Donald Trump supporter. No, gamma, no!
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Although you generally disagree with U.S. foreign policy, knee-jerk social policy-making and broad domestic surveillance practices, you’ve always appreciated your life, liberties and the pursuit of happiness. July 4 for you has always been about the good life, and the opportunity to blow off someone’s lip with unregulated explosives while listening to “The Bottlerocket War” on your old Pain CD. For good luck until next year, drink a Sam Adams and memorize the Fourth Amendment.