Aries (3/21-4/19) — After your college pal lands a job in the local government, you’ll kick back and wait for the cushy public contracts to start rolling in. Much to your horror, though, that so-called “pal” will wind up being a real stickler for “accountability” and “transparency” in office, and those contracts will prove tougher to obtain than you imagined. The good news is, you’re third-generation Spring Hill royalty, and the name alone will help you fall into success in your next venture — also in the local government.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After watching Gawker over-hype its importance as an online blog in a high-profile libel suit, you’ll be surprised to find the Internet manages to carry on. Having pioneered staples of modern journalism like reporting on tweets, using curse words in headlines and creating 200 separate niche blogs, Gawker will be missed. However, you’ll take comfort in knowing its death from a $115 million judgment will not be in vain as others will surely carry their mediocre torch forward for years to come.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — When your in-laws recruit you to work the gate in their high-end neighborhood ahead of a party thrown in her honor, you’ll gladly oblige. Your “country” upbringing will come in handy when allowing the upper crust access to the exclusive soiree. Visitors will look at you like you haven’t showered (how’d they know?). Many will throw dollar bills at you as a small pittance for your hard work. You’ll thank all of them by doing doughnuts in the yard before leaving.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As part of a lesson you should’ve learned a while ago, you’ll be forced to chase after your small sedan two weeks from Tuesday, after a swath of strong storms flood Midtown and your car is carried away in the rapids created. You secretly always knew this day would come, but refused to not park on the street in an area of town that used to be a swamp. It’s karmic justice that you’d lose a worldly possession due to an act of God. The event will open your eyes to both religion and environmental justice.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — In the spiciest of scandals, you’ll be accused of using performance-enhancing peppers after you win the latest local chili cook-off. You’ll call the allegations absurd and claim you don’t even know what a ghost pepper is. The truth of the matter is you’ve been using ghost peppers for years behind organizers’ backs. The pepper’s searing but tasty heat gives you an advantage. You’ll finally get caught next year and be banned for life from the charity event. The shame will linger, not unlike capsaicin on the tongue.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll find a copy of “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart and your life will change forever. At first your daughter’s use of “I know you are, but what am I?” at the dinner table will annoy you, but the movie’s catch phrases will begin to sneak into your own vocabulary. Unfortunately, your boss will become angry when you answer “I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel” after he questions your absence from work this week. Soon, you’ll be the one stocking the bargain bin.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After seven consecutive years attending the Fairhope Arts & Crafts Festival without purchasing anything that isn’t festival food, you’ll finally buy an oversized piece of scrap art for your living room. The 10-foot seafoam green hermit crab — crafted from the bumper of a 1985 Toyota Tercel, a Huffy mountain bike and a basketball goal — will spark conversations at your upcoming dinner party, and also repel your annoying neighbor. You’ll be broke after the $2,500 purchase, but you’ll consider it money well spent.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As spring break approaches, you’ll be excited about your family’s annual staycation. With no money and two broken-down cars, you’ll spend the week convincing your children that picking up sticks in the front yard and playing board games from the 1980s are more fun than a trip to the beach or Disney World. One day next week, you’ll treat your son to a trip to the office, where he will witness how a real-life staff meeting operates. The possibilities are endless for #Staycation2016.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — The normalization of Cuban-American relations will have you smoking cigars, cooking paella and mixing mojitos this year. But friends will grow increasingly concerned after you start quoting Karl Marx, listening exclusively to the Buena Vista Social Club, trade in your SUV for a 1956 Buick, and begin growing sugar cane in your backyard. But one visit to the island nation will kill the romanticism after customs officials confiscate your Toms shoe collection and redistribute it.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — The family Easter egg hunt will go awry once you decide it’s your turn to find the golden egg. You’ll forget the reason for the season as you momentarily abandon the teachings of Christ to be cruel to children searching for the same thing you are, to be rude to the adults who hid it, and to spite God himself in an ugly show of pure frustration. This year’s prized egg will never be found, and a family intervention in May will recommend you watch future hunts from inside the screen porch.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Eager to help both parties reach a resolution in the District Attorney’s funding battle, you offer your amateur prosecution services pro bono. Based on your experience binge watching “Law & Order” and “Matlock,” you feel like you have a firm grasp of state law and trial procedure. You’ll buy a seersucker suit and practice debating with a Foghorn Leghorn voice, only to lose your first shoplifting case on a technicality. Turns out, you kind of need a law degree for that type of work, and people with law degrees like to get paid.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Tired of the back and forth of Internet vitriol, you’ll hire a PR firm to write succinct comments on the stories in your social media feeds. The next time a post creates an engaging yet uninformed discussion, the comment next to your profile will simply read, “[Your legal name here] has nothing controversial nor insightful to add to this dialog. [Appropriate gender pronoun] has viewed it, but there will be no subsequent statements on this matter.”