Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be detained at Mobile Regional Airport after refusing to power down your Samsung Galaxy Note 7 before takeoff. You, of course, forgot to pack anything else for entertainment. You really wanted to listen to Lagniappe’s Real Deal podcast.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be one of the first cyclists to enjoy a new, clear underwater bike and pedestrian lane created by ALDOT. Actually, you’ll hear about it while sitting on your couch, eating a bag of chips and watching TV. You don’t do things outside.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Using knowledge gained from the Exploreum’s recent Da Vinci exhibit, you’ll participate in this weekend’s 5K on the Runway wearing a pair of DIY mechanical wings. Unfortunately a bird strike will force an emergency landing in the Mobile River.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Hearing about plans for a Mobile Mardi Gras trail, you’ll lobby to include the spot where you caught a 7-foot-tall stuffed bunny. You’ll also finally be identified in a photo lineup as the guy who assaulted a kid for a 7-foot-tall stuffed bunny.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — News that a Latin American cafe is opening soon in LoDa has you brushing up on your bullfighting techniques. Eventually your grace and surgical precision will be world renowned, and your weekly audience will singlehandedly save Ladd Stadium.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll stand on one leg in a weeks-long silent protest until the bicycling and pedestrian communities finally include you and your unicycle in the conversation. Outcast as usual, the city’s lone rollerblader will later die during a related hunger strike.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll take on a second career as the stage director for Corey Feldman’s highly anticipated concert tour. While organizing three-months’ worth of wizard outfits will be simple, recruiting a band of lingerie angels who aren’t creeped out will not be.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll launch a databank full of pre-written comments for social media stories about officer-involved shootings. Innovative for its time, the site will quickly sort through preconceived notions based on the race of those involved and their own personal feelings.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After developing an unnoteworthy but successful stir-fry recipe, you’ll make the decision to take your cooking prowess to the next level with a traditional tikka masala. The dish flops, and your dinner guests will become very well acquainted with your half-bath.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Upon hearing the news of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce, you’ll join the rest of the world in bewilderment. Historians will later identify their separation as the triggering point for both World War III and the weirdest of sequels to “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After being unable to secure a swanky recliner at the Crescent Theater, you’ll persuade an investor to help you replace all of the theater’s seats with the front-row options. It will become a problem when customers refuse to leave, ever.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll have to overcome your two biggest fears — clowns and flying — when your flight to Washington, D.C., is overbooked by a horde of creepy, red-nosed, big-shoed, painted-face jokesters. The fact they will create balloon animals for you doesn’t help.