Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — History repeats itself and for you that’s nothing new. Before January closes out you will have already failed at keeping your resolutions. Even if your resolution were to keep breathing, you would find a way to break that one as well. In an attempt to better yourself, try using reverse psychology. If you want to drink less, resolve to drink more. If you want to save, try to spend more. Learn how to work the system.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — More people are out running and walking thanks to the New Year so that should make your resolution pretty easy to obtain. You have resolved to splash water from puddles on as many people running as possible. For the rare days that it hasn’t rained in Mobile, you will make up for it by honking when the runners can’t see you. Some may question why you do this, but to you it’s the best free entertainment … until a group of runners corner you in a parking lot one day. The hospital will have good food.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — The city finances are like your love life … you’ve got a few too many people in the “rotation” so to speak. While Sandy Stimpson and his staff are whittling down about $13 million for this year, you and your staff of friends will be deciding who stays and who goes. Who or what should go? Sure there will be some easy decisions, but there will be many good suitors and programs left by the wayside. By the way, some of your friends are doing the same thing.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Every time you look at Facebook you are overwhelmed with people selling things like makeup, candles, oils, guns, body organs … you know, the usual. So you start to think if there are that many of your friends making enough money to stay on Facebook all day instead of working, then this must be the right thing for you. Since you’re smarter, you’ll cut out the middleman and start selling herbs you’ve grown in your backyard. Well, they’re not so much herbs as they are weeds. After marketing as “cure all, family-friendly, organic, local healing herbs,” you’ll sell out in a day. There’s a 13 percent chance none of it is poisonous.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The Mobile Party season, which goes from October until September, is at its high point. Mardi Gras season is right around the corner and who can forget getting drunk and crying alone on Valentine’s Day! It’s important for you to remember the professional drinker’s rules — never mix wine with liquor (in the same glass), eat before your drink and smash someone’s phone/camera if they take a picture of you. Proceed cautiously.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You will meet a new person of your dreams … until they open their mouth. This incredibly beautiful being is also incredibly stupid. It’s actually almost impressive how dumb your boo is. For instance, when you do the “moving thumb trick” and the “got your nose” they will believe it and may or may not cry until you distract them with a mirror or a nearby shiny object. It would be unbearable if you weren’t looking at your beautiful boo.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — As the clouds in the crystal ball part and Dr. Z gets off the couch to heat some pizza rolls, let’s take a look ahead for 2014. Things this year are a roller coaster. One moment you are winning a 5K and then next you find out you are the first human to contract Feline AIDS. Life will calm down as the medicine works on your Feline AIDS, but another blow will be ahead. You will find out you have contracted an equine STD. Maybe you should stay inside.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — A mix up between you and a bar owner will result in half-priced drinks for an evening, but somehow you’ll spend twice as much. The night will be one of those that you and your friends talk about for years to come, however. Especially the part about stealing the giant inflatable Godzilla outside of a car dealership. An attractive stranger will steal your wallet… and your heart.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — When you are not nice to others, life has a way of being not nice to you. You will learn this the hard way. The time and place is sometime soon and in front of a lot of people. The embarrassment will be much deserved so you can’t expect sympathy. The best thing to do is slink back home and lick your wounds, which may or may not be literal.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Being compared to a TV character can be a good thing or it could be bad. Either way, it’s going to happen to you. You could be Olivia Pope or Ugly Betty, someone from the CW or someone from “Hoarders.” This will become your new identity though as your friends will be amused by your reaction. They will start to give you clothing that looks like what the character wore and only refer to you as that person. Soon the line between reality and fantasy will blur.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your dry elbow situation is getting out of hand. When small children are starting to ask their mothers rather loudly if you are “part alligator” then you know it’s time to invest in some good lotion. While Vaseline might be the best thing, you don’t want to send the wrong message or give your friends anything to tease you about. You should begin a quest to find a suitable quencher for your dry skin or else you’ll always end up with skin flakes in your dinner.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — A rush to the emergency room will dampen your spirits. Guess your mom was right. The eggnog from the beginning of December had gone bad. She won’t let you live down your justification, which is the bourbon will clearly kill any bacteria from the bad eggnog. Like all foods and drinks that make you sick, your love for bourbon will diminish. This development will leave you lost, alone and scared. Seek solace from another bottle.