Leo (7/23-8/22) — Deciding to make a life change (and because you are a big Chuck Norris fan), you order a Total Gym for your home, prepared to get back in shape. But when the package arrives you struggle getting it in the house and trip, breaking your ankle. The next day, you put the machine up for sale on eBay.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After 12 consecutive hours binge-watching “Chicago PD” episodes you decided you will leave your job as an accountant to join the local police force. On your way downtown to begin the process, you are pulled over for speeding and a background check reveals an old warrant for indecent exposure, ending your new career before it gets started.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After losing the election for mayor of Mobile, you’ll call your mother for some matronly support. It will go awry though, when the woman you’ve loved for 40 years tells you she voted for one of your opponents because you forgot to clean your room once as a 10-year-old and she’s never forgotten.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t “leave Scientology.” Scientology leaves you. You’re also batsh*t crazy.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Reading a story about a Daphne woman who is bringing back Jazzercise, you decide to offer the area’s first Prancercise class. The venture will be forced to close after you receive a cease and desist order from the Ministry of Silly Walks.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Uninspired yet again by all of the basic candidates in the municipal election, you resume your years’ long campaign to write-in “the flute guy from the Crichton Leprechaun video.” He may not have much public service experience, but imagine the spells he can cast with that thing…
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You get a little tipsy at Tiki Week and build a large raft made out of reeds and various shoreline garbage. When you’re rescued with your pet volleyball months later, miraculously, Wilson will be pregnant.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Infuriated by the sudden withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan, you dress up like Rambo and book a flight to Kabul. But after finding the WiFi network far from adequate and realizing you can’t self-aggrandize on social media, you promptly return.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Today is an important day in your life. You will walk past a dressing mirror in your bedroom and catch your reflection — wearing a Joe Montana Chiefs jersey that has seen better days and is currently at least one size smaller than it should be. You look ridiculous. It’s time for a change, my friend — time to buy a Patrick Mahomes Chiefs jersey, in a larger size.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You received a Facebook friend request from a high school classmate, one you held a crush on your entire senior year. It’s now been 30 years and your former crush wants to know if you are going to the class reunion next month. Accept or decline the friend request? Look who holds the cards now! Enjoy.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Embrace the school carpool line. Instead of viewing the task as a negative, consider that it provides you some alone time, an opportunity for you to sit quietly or sing along with your favorite music. You can check emails without being bothered or you can scroll Twitter for the latest news. Once your child is in the car you can turn on the angst again as you try to negotiate exiting the parking lot. It’s a win-win.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Congratulations, it’s your lucky day. Those sniffles and stuffiness you have been experiencing are not the first signs of COVID, as a recent test indicates you are negative in that regard. However, it is the sign of another issue, as your now-scheduled sinus surgery confirms. Lucky you.
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