Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Taking a page from the Mobile City Council’s playbook, you’ll abstain from a difficult choice when your significant other asks, “How do I look” on the way to bar this weekend. You’ll avoid what would have been sure fight, but it only serves to foster a deep, passive-aggressive anger that eventually manifests itself in the bedroom. When you try to make a move after returning home from downtown, your partner will joyfully exclaim, “I Abstain … for personal reasons.”
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – You’ll start to innovate your collaborative process by incorporating Google Docs at work. While productivity increases for a short while, the idea quickly spirals out of control when staff members start rewriting each others’ sentences through cyberspace in real time. That then quickly escalates in full on “Text Wars” — with coworkers secretly dropping profanities into their colleagues’ documents. The fun and games are brought to a halt after a pseudonym for “several female dogs” is accidently left within the prose of a business proposal.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – Your week will go from bad to worse when you slap a trick-or-treater on Halloween. The kid, who will be too lazy to put on a real costume and instead just will wear all blue and went as the sky, will try to snatch a candy bar rather than wait for you to assess his costume situation. He will get upset and snatch at another candy bar when you try to set him up with fruit snacks. In tears, he will run to his muscle-bound father. You will lock the door and turn off the porch light.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – You will get sick at the Greater Gulf State Fair after the introduction of their newest food creation – a chocolate cake-battered corndog. You will decide that it’s a good idea to eat your weight in the new concoction, which is a hot dog, smothered in chocolate cake batter and deep fried. Your stomach will decide that it wasn’t a good idea to eat so many of the delicacies and you’ll spend the evening in a porta-potty, setting off an Ebola scare.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – An email from a superior next week will result in an end to your company’s unwritten “if it’s yellow let it mellow” policy. The angry email will be penned when a coworker complains about the smell emanating from the bathroom, after a weekend away from the office. When someone else complains about the environmental impacts such a decision would have, the aforementioned superior turns the lights off in her office and furiously flushes the empty toilet 15 times in a row, while staring her right in the face.
Aires (3/21 – 4/19) – Your constant teasing of a friend’s rapping abilities will prove to be ill-advised, as he will hit it big, thanks to the power of YouTube. His video titled “Just Say No, Yo” will go viral and will lead to a record deal. Despite your best efforts to make amends, the friend will have no choice, but to shut you out of his life. However, the Christian appeal of his lyrics will take a hit when he writes a song about the flying spaghetti monster and loses out on his 15 minutes of fame.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – After an impressive showing against a formidable rival, you realize you may have been wrong about ol’ Lane Kiffin after all. Maybe the kid does have some game and isn’t just an overhyped, inexperienced offspring of his talented father. You begin to pen an apologetic letter, expressing how wrong you were to draw conclusions so quickly. But before the ink can dry, you realize that the bulk of the Tide’s schedule strength is still forthcoming, so you ball the letter up, toss it in the trash, and pray for Kiffin’s soul instead.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You are amused by a 23-count indictment against an authoritative state figurehead. Speculating about the true motivation behind the charges, you realize for the first time that all politicians are dirty and Democracy as it exists in the United States today is just leverage for the rich to get richer and for a shadowy federal government to unconstitutionally rob you of your liberties. Yet with your favorite TV programming, everyday low prices at Wal-Mart and ability to openly criticize the president, you are still content, and so the cycle continues.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – An upcoming pumpkin carving activity involving power tools will take a dangerous turn. After discovering you’re not strong enough to carve a pumpkin with a standard carving knife, you’ll retrieve some more heavy-duty equipment. Determined not to be outdone by your carving competitors, you’ll hold nothing back. Unfortunately, this will lead to brutal hand injury requiring you to be hospitalized. On the bright side, your mangled hand will be a good asset to your Halloween costume. Happy Halloween!
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – After some convincing, you’ll sign up for a team competition at the upcoming fair; however, you won’t know what the competition is until you arrive. As fate would have it, you’ll be forced to participate in a challenge to see who can stay on a ride the longest, and the ride of choice is your worst childhood fear. You’ll boldly face fear head on, but after spinning around over 10 minutes, you’ll scream out the “safe word,” forcing the ride to stop. You’ll place dead last in the competition but take home the first place trophy for amount of vomit regurgitated.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – As you get into the seasonal spirit, you’ll set out to partake in every pumpkin beer on the market. However, you’ll come across an especially hoppy beer that tastes like a pumpkin spice latte gone terribly wrong. You’ll immediately spew the foul tasting liquid across the bar, which ends up hitting a well-known local politician in the face. He’s not very happy about the situation, suggesting the beer should taste like a certain Mardi Gras treat. The two of you will then develop and MoonPie flavored beer. It’ll become a local hit and before you know it, there will be an interstate sign displaying your claim to fame.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You’ll use your new iPhone 6 to take a “slow-mo” video of yourself jumping up and down to test the waters of your new cinematic capabilities. Unlike slow motion shots of athletes or celebrities on the runway, a lot of you will continue to move long it after it does at a normal frame rate. Yes, unfortunately the jiggle-factor won’t apply exclusively to Miss America contestants any longer, and you’ll decide that your best look is captured using the “time lapse” option.