Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – You’re going to fall ill after a few hours at the Hangout Oyster Cook Off this weekend. While you’ll erroneously blame bad oysters at first, the real truth is you can’t be trusted around craft beer or alcohol in general really. The following day your family will confront you with a camera crew for a live taping of “Intervention,” which climaxes with you all sobbing joyfully over a plate of fresh, bacteria-free oysters with a new commitment to family and clean living.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – While trying to coax a neighborhood dog away from your seasonal greens, the pooch will unexpectedly turn towards the house, releasing a large amount of urine on your “Welcome to our Home” mat. Enraged, you’ll immediately begin to chase the dog at a full sprint, but the pursuit will end when you trip over a garden hose. In what seems like an act of pity or weird dominance, the dog will take it upon himself to begin licking your face as you lie in the grass in pain.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You’re going to get Ebola. There’s no two ways about it. It’s in the stars and it’s going down. Of course, maybe you don’t get Ebola. It’s possible that you may just get a cold, go to the Mobile County Health Department and have the officials there speculate on whether you do, in fact, have Ebola. If you do have Ebola, it’s almost certain a local television station will broadcast a segment called “EBOLA IN MOBILE!” live from just outside your isolation chamber. So, just to recap, you’ll definitely be on TV — and might have Ebola.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – The upcoming Bay Bites event at Cooper Riverside Park and your love of Hootie and the Blowfish will inspire you to start your very own soup-themed food truck called “I Only Wanna Be With Stew.” Shrimp bisque and corn chowder will be the staples of your menu and business will be good for a solid week. A local paper will investigate your truck and discover that the bisque is made from brine shrimp. The next week’s paper will accuse you of seamonkey murder and environmental groups will call for a boycott.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Angered by recent stories of continuing corruption in state government, you will decide to run a write-in campaign for the position of state senator. You will run on a totally rad platform of marijuana legalization. Your campaign will pick up momentum, as you promise to push for tax cuts, making up the loss in revenue with weed. Also, you’ll argue that if everybody smokes pot, nobody will worry about the state’s crumbling infrastructure. Your campaign will go under after your conservative opponent argues that your plan to provide free snacks will be too expensive.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – In the spirit of fair season, you’ll enter a hot dog eating contest because you watched one on TV once and you feel like an expert. You begin by splitting the dog in two and jamming it down your throat. You’ll then dunk the bun in water to dispatch it quickly. The soggy mass of bread will hit your lips and immediately enacts your gag reflex. By the time you regain your composure, the contest will have ended. You finished in second-to-last place because another contestant threw up.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Inspired by the Blue Angels’ homecoming airshow this weekend, you decide to organize a formation driving team. As you and your friends perfect maneuvers such as the fleur de lis and sneak pass, you are stymied by the automobile’s inability to perform a barrel roll. With nothing but your intuition and a book entitled “Essentials of Flight, for Dummies,” you construct a twisting ramp and outfit your Honda CRV with small rocket engine. As you total your primary source of transportation in the ensuing experiment, it’s too late to realize your insurance policy specifically excludes aerobatics from its list of insured activities.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You become the enemy of the neighborhood after the 10th lost dog notice in a week is posted on a neighborhood social networking app. The frequency with which your neighbors allow their pets to escape leads you to reply with a long rant about how irresponsible they are and how perhaps, they shouldn’t care for pets in the first place. You can only stop the backlash by leaving multiple trails of dog food throughout the community, ending at your house. When all the neighborhood’s lost dogs inevitably follow their noses to your yard, you can hold them for ransom while your neighbors pay large finders fees.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – It suddenly hits you that the holidays are nearing, and you never lost that 15 pounds you swore off as a New Year’s resolution. With plans for pies, cheesecakes, sorbets and stockings full of sweets in your future, the time is now for a crash diet. But as you’ll be thwarted by cook-offs, barbeques and leftover Halloween candy at every turn, it becomes clear that an aggressive tapeworm is going to be your only means to an end. But consuming raw fish and meats only leads to salmonella, which on the bright side, gets you halfway to your goal.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – A recent slew of burglary reports in your neighborhood will have you on high alert. Determined not to have your outdoor swivel chairs stolen, you’ll bolt them to the front porch. Your efforts will seem successful until you catch the burglars red handed. You’ll then develop an entire onslaught of booby traps against the perpetrators, and when they eventually return, all your childhood dreams will come true as you recreate a “Home Alone” moment and light their heads on fire, manically screaming “Keep the change, you filthy animal!”
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – After a poor costume choice during Halloween, you’ll still be on the outs with your friends this week. Turns out it is of bad taste to paint on fake eyebrows and mock someone who doesn’t quite have their makeup skills up to par. While your so-called friends ignore your texts and calls, you’ll spend the extra time alone writing a screenplay and producing a miniseries titled “American Horror Story: Your Eyebrows.” Your show will be the next big thing and your former friends will shave off their eyebrows in horror.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – While drunk, you’ll try the new Taco Bell mobile ordering app but quickly become disappointed when you find out it doesn’t actually provide delivery. Your love for grilled stuffed burritos prompts you to use the app anyway, noting you’ll be able to skip Taco Bell’s painfully long line. After placing an order, you’ll head on out to TB when a distracting notification, asking if you would like them to start preparing your food, pops up on your phone just as you’re attempting to make a risky turn. A messy crash ensues, and feeling liable, Taco Bell will foot your medical bills and give you free quesadillas for life.