It’s February at last, and the day we’ve all been waiting for is almost here! It’s time to chill the champagne, get all gussied up in our finest attire, and get ready to meet the hirsute bipedal humanoid of our dreams.
No, I’m not talking about celebrating Valentine’s Day with the spouse who’s been slacking a bit in the grooming department, or the questionable blind date your aunt set up for you. It’s finally time to meet a real Bigfoot! I guess.
Remember that wacky hunter Rick Dyer, who was all over the news back in 2008 claiming he was in possession of Bigfoot’s frozen corpse, only to eventually admit it was a hoax? Well, he’s back. Apparently, the embarrassment surrounding his last incident led to him getting serious about Bigfoot-hunting as part of a quest to redeem his reputation. He claims that he has now captured and killed a Bigfoot — for real this time.
Dyer allegedly tracked the creature to San Antonio, Texas, in September of 2012, where numerous homeless people complained of a large ape-like creature dragging deer across the roadway. He baited the beast with a large stack of pork ribs he purchased at Walmart, which he covered in a “special sauce,” the specific contents of which he has chosen to keep secret (lest other hunters manage to lure their own Bigfoot and steal his thunder). He nailed the marinated meat to a tree in the woods and waited for the hungry creature to come out of hiding to join the cookout.
Dyer and his hunting partner attempted to capture the beast as he chowed down on his ribs, but, sadly, Dyer shot and killed the unarmed creature when he violently attacked his partner. Apparently, no one ever warned the hunters not to get in between a 500-pound Texan and his BBQ.
Dyer claims he’s had the remains on ice since 2012, and the body has recently been in the possession of an unnamed university in the state of Washington, where it was subjected to an autopsy, DNA analysis and an array of other scientific tests. He has so far revealed very little about the test results, except to say researchers assure him the remains belong to a “previously unknown species.”
He has announced a news conference for Feb. 9, where he will make the body available for public viewing and release the findings of the tests. Afterwards, he plans to take the body on a world tour where members of the public will be given the opportunity to see Bigfoot up close and personal.
Pretty exciting, eh? No? Oh, come on! What are the odds the same guy would try to pull of the same hoax twice? What could he possibly get out of that?
I had some fun checking out his website, where he’s been selling a limited edition DVD featuring footage obtained after the creature was killed as well as a video of the autopsy. The DVDs appear to have sold out in recent days and seem to have been available up until just before the news conference, when Dyer will be asked to finally lay all his cards on the table. That’s not suspicious at all.
He’s also posted some brief videos taken just before the shooting which appeared to be legitimate footage of Bigfoot, given that the images looked like blurry and indecipherable blobs. It all sounds pretty legit to me. (Hehehe.)
I’m pretty sad he killed the poor creature. Now that we finally have a real Sasquatch to gaze upon, it would be cool if it was actually alive so we could observe its habits and mannerisms and taunt it with Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. Dyer claims the shooting was a necessary act of self-defense and assures his followers that he pulled the trigger with a tear in his eye.
In case you’re wondering, it is indeed legal to kill a Bigfoot in the state of Texas. According to Maj. Larry Young, game warden with Texas Parks and Wildlife, there is no season or no bag limit, and the only requirement for hunting Bigfoot in Texas is a regular hunting license.
Young does, however, question the ethics of Bigfoot hunting, suggesting it might be kind of like “shooting a person.” Regardless of the questionable morality, Steve Lightfoot, Young’s colleague from Parks and Wildlife, adds that they “can’t stop anyone from hunting a fictional character.” Indeed.
The always down to earth folks at PETA added their two cents to the mix, stating that they find Bigfoot hunting as offensive and morally reprehensible as any other type of sport hunting.
I’m getting a kick out of the whole thing and will be excitedly tuning in to see the Feb. 9 news conference. I am expecting some manner of hilarity to ensue, but sometimes it is fun to wonder, “What if?” As frequent campers and hikers, my family always gets a lot of enjoyment out of spotting Bigfoot prints and other evidence of his existence, especially when we’re venturing into more remote wilderness areas.
My kids swear they’ve caught glimpses of Bigfoot on two separate occasions, or at least his Southern cousin the Skunk Ape. I know other local folks who claim they’ve seen a large hairy creature skulking around remote areas of the Delta. I’ve tried to tell them they likely just spotted my hubby during a fishing trip, but people seem to enjoy believing in the mythical creature.
All in good fun, I suppose. Whatever happens at the news conference, at least it will give you something to talk about with the hirsute bipedal humanoid across the table on V-Day.