Leo (7/23-8/23) — Trying to make the most of what’s left of your summer vacation, you’ll take a day off work to sunbathe in a kiddie pool full of ice cream aboard a pontoon boat while trout fishing. You advise Jeff Sessions to seek political asylum in St. Petersburg … Florida.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll find yourself with a lot more time on your hands now that Gov. Kay Ivey disbanded the 359 councils and committees you were serving on. You’ll invent a technique for azalea topiary. You advise Jeff Sessions to wear a pointy green hat and bake cookies.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Reading about how local businesses and corporations shortchange the school system by appealing tax appraisals, you’ll boycott and volunteer as a tutor in a poorly performing district. You advise Jeff Session to buy a boat and sail into the sunset.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Seeing how the city transformed a former drug den into attractive low-income housing, you’ll email a city councilor to see if there’s anything they can do about the lazy neighbor who doesn’t mow his lawn. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to run for president.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Concerning the uproar over OWA’s “guests of a larger size” policy, you’ll be reminded again how this country is inching (no pun intended) toward the sedentary existence depicted in Disney’s “WALL-E.” You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to binge on TV and pizza.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In preparation for LoDa-wide Tiki Week, you’ll weave a grass skirt and cut a coconut in half for your breasts. If only for a day, that tribal tattoo you got in college will finally be relevant. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to avoid the upcoming Mayweather-McGregor fight.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Knowing how little this city supports baseball compared to others in the Southern League, you’ll applaud the rumor suggesting the unprofitable BayBears are leaving town. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to mysteriously vanish at the height of the solar eclipse Aug. 21.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Hearing that giant swarms of jellyfish have returned, you’ll attempt to incorporate them into a seafood dish. Realizing they essentially evaporate when cooked, you’ll instead serve them raw on a saltine with hot sauce. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to try gardening.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Realizing at last that life in America is much more tolerable when you’re completely apolitical, you’ll ignore all the Senate and municipal campaign rhetoric with a new sense of euphoria. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to take a chill pill.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Now that the Senate has begun to dismantle Obamacare, you’ll stockpile basic medical supplies and over-the-counter drugs. You might even Google “assisted suicide providers” again. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to consider socialism.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll review the first two episodes of Season 7 of “Game of Thrones” and reach a theory that Hot Pie is actually the one true king. After all, he really knows how to use that butter. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to undergo gender reassignment.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll set the record for slowest finish at the Color Vibe race Saturday. But damn, your Instagram will be LIT. You’ll advise Jeff Sessions to snort some colored Holi powder.