Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Recognizing that neither Catholics nor Native Americans need any more negative headlines, you offer to broker a peace treaty between Covington Catholic and the liberal left.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Taking the mantra of “buy local” perhaps a little too far, you begin saving spare change to someday purchase your own $100 million Airbus A220.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — In an effort to encourage your elderly family members to be more active, you enroll them in the Senior Bowl.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The only thing you dislike about Frontier Airlines’ announcement of low cost flights to Denver is that they won’t be ready until after April 20.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Seeing what all the fuss is about, you visit the new Buc-ee’s for a tank of gas only to leave six hours later with new home decor, Alabama and Auburn memorabilia, a deer feeder and three pounds of smoked meats.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Here’s a friendly reminder before the last minute: Valentine’s Day is still a thing, it’s on a Thursday this year, and yes she’s expecting something, even if she told you she wasn’t.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — After the Saints’ disappointing loss in the NFC championship, you go on a hunger strike until the NFL administers basic vision screening and competency exams to its entire officiating crew.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Tired of swatting mosquitoes all summer, you attend Fairhope’s State of the City address to demand Venus fly traps in all the flower beds.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After previewing the Exploreum’s new exhibit on Genghis Khan, you’ll mount a horse and force West Mobilians to annex into the city.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Taking advantage of Mobile’s newest waterfront attraction, you’ll ship your next harvest of cotton north to Saraland on the Perdido Queen.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In an attempt to meet Mayor Sandy Stimpson’s pledge to make Mobile the “safest city in America by 2020,” you begin to encourage each and every citizen to move to the Eastern Shore sometime within in the next 11 months.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Hearing about the margarita selection at Taco Mama, you begin your Scale Back Alabama regimen by going on an exclusively tequila diet.