Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — On heightened alert since a serial killer confessed to cold case murders in Mobile, you rid your pantry of Cheerios, Fruit Loops and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — With former Creola police Sgt. Don Turberville now labeled an unreliable witness, you seek to expunge your criminal record for equine relations. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is Justin Bieber’s “Mistletoe.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Having lost a bit of your elegance while running around Christmas shopping, you’ll be mistaken for a cosplay of Frieda and Pig Pen at “A Charlie Brown Jazz Christmas.” Your lucky terrible Christmas song is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Inspired by the Tua Tagovailoa/Jalen Hurts saga one year in the making, you decide to bench your significant other until November 2019. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is The Jackson 5’s “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — In solidarity with Plateau and Africatown residents in opposition to increased industrial activity in the area, you chain yourself to the smokestacks at Kimberly Clark. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is She & Him’s “Baby it’s Cold Outside.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In memory of President George Herbert Walker Bush, you playfully sexually harass casual acquaintances and backtrack on your opposition to new taxes. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is NewSong’s “The Christmas Shoes.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll reach the limits of your cell phone plan when you string along the person on the other end of the line of the next robocall you receive, just to waste their time. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is Bon Jovi’s “Back Door Santa.”
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You will be blacklisted from future Christmas parties after you misread the instructions to provide a Dirty Santa gift as a “Dirty Sanchez gift.” Your lucky terrible Christmas song is Maroon 5’s “Happy Christmas (War is Over).”
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Winning a bet to stare at Mobile’s Christmas Tree for one hour without blinking, you’ll become the latest enrollee at the Alabama Institute for the Deaf and Blind. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is the Pussycat Dolls’ “Santa Baby.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Ever the troll, you make an offer to former Assistant AG Matt Hart to invest in a four-story beachfront mansion across from former Gov. Bentley’s Fort Morgan property to block his view of the gulf. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is Lady Gaga’s “Christmas Tree.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — While prices are low and before the Legislature imposes new taxes next year, you begin to stockpile cheap gasoline in used milk containers. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is Pentatonix’s “That’s Christmas to Me.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Since it lately seems to rain only on the weekends, you petition your boss to work Saturdays and Sundays and take Tuesdays and Wednesdays off instead. Your lucky terrible Christmas song is John Denver’s “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas).”
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