Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll wear your wooden clogs at the Festival of Flowers this weekend while celebrating its theme of “Dutch Gardening.” Ironically, the only vegetables you’ll be growing this spring are the corns on your feet.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After reading a story about the University of South Alabama College of Medicine’s Match Day, you’ll consider enrolling in medical school. It won’t be until you declare a major that you learn crystal healing is a pseudoscience.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In your latest attempt to communicate with a dead pet from beyond the grave, you’ll buy a ticket to the Paranormal Cirque at Hank Aaron Stadium. Sometime between the contortionists and acrobats you’ll get a sign: hotdogs are available at the concession stand.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll dress up like the late chef Justin Wilson and attend the annual Downtown Cajun Cookoff this weekend. You attempt to set an unrecognized world record for declaring “I GARONTEE!” the most times in a single day.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In an effort to rehabilitate your favorite reality television star, you invite Mama June to a nine-week retreat at your house to learn such basics as “cooking sketti (for real),” “personal hygiene (the right way)” and “not smoking crack (it’s bad).” She becomes a model citizen, launching your new career in D-list lifestyle makeovers.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Feeling a little seductive lately, you’ll throw on your vintage underwear and go enjoy the inaugural Mobile Burlesque Festival. Before long, your lace-up corset, thick woolen knickers and old bunny slippers will earn you the reputation as “Lil’ Boner Killer.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Recognizing an opportunity to finally break out with your hidden tribute act, you hone your cover of “Cheeseburger in Paradise” in preparation for an audition as Jimmy Buffett at OWA’s new Legends Theater. You won’t get the part, but while you’re there, have a Wahlburger.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You create an uproar in the arts community by bringing Rice-a-Roni to MOJO’s monthly Jazz Jambalaya. Until you rectify this misdeed, your seats at the Saenger Theater shall always be nosebleed and your reservations at Joe Jefferson Playhouse will always be on standby.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an effort to save frequent flyers from untimely deaths in Boeing aircraft, you propose that the beleaguered company focus on developing rapid rail transit instead. The new Boeing Sunset Limited service retains an unfortunate name, but you’ll be able to travel between Mobile and New Orleans in an hour or less.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Noticing a gap in proposed Alabama congressional districts submitted as part of a racially-motivated federal lawsuit, you establish the Free District of Goat Island a few hundred yards south of the Causeway. There are only two requirements to join: no politics allowed and “good vibes only.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll cry foul at ARC’s Vegan Chili Cook-off when a competitor sprays “beef essence” into the air to influence your vote for best chili. The winner is clearly every other chili — the ones with just beans and tomatoes.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that the final administrative appeal to save Broad Street’s oak trees has failed, you have no other choice. After constructing a makeshift encampment in the canopy above Government and Broad, your protest will last as long as your cell phone battery because you can no longer tweet about it.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).