Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be more than a little steamed when you’re banned from the communal swimming pool for blaring Nickelback on a Bluetooth speaker. After the courts refuse to intervene, you’ll key up “All The Right Reasons” on a boombox just outside the pool’s gate.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll be one of the first to try both Wahlburgers and the new roller coaster at OWA in Foley this summer. The almost immediate evacuation of the “The Triple Decker” will cause maintenance crews to suspend the new ride while they clean it.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be taken to the hospital after accidentally swallowing too many watermelon seeds at a seed-spitting contest at next month’s LoDa Artwalk. A few laxatives and some rest will be the only prescription the doctors give you.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — One day at the beach, you’ll allow kids to bury you up to your head in sand. Unfortunately, it’ll be on top of a hermit crab nest. The feeling of tiny crab legs climbing up and down your body will keep you up at night for the next month.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After putting off lawn maintenance for weeks, you’ll attempt the daunting task of taming the grass. After restarting the clogged mower several times, you’ll run out of gas some distance from what appears to be your shed. The Coast Guard response will be swift.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your efforts to catch an alligator in the Delta will fall short, but you’ll manage to catch a ticket after a game warden witnesses your fledgling attempts. While $120 may seem steep for animal harassment, it’s cheaper than a weekend across the bay.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With the help of complete strangers, you’ll make a valiant effort to save a beached whale during an upcoming vacation. Together, your strength will be just enough to save the oceangoing giant, who — after catching its breath — will be introduced as New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After reading news reports about a memorial bench in Indiana engraved with a nod to the “War on Terriorism,” you’ll begin to question whether the ideological leanings of terriers might present a bigger threat than you initially anticipated. It turns out they do not.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After hitting the wrong target with a Super Soaker, you’ll incite a three-day neighborhood riot. Little will be left after the smoke clears, making the ruins of your community the perfect location for a paintball war.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll write a letter to the FAA after a kite you fly on the beach is grounded by a camera drone. The agency will eventually find no fault with the drone operator, but you’ll be sent 300 Canada geese as a consolation prize.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While you’re temporarily swept up in a rip current, you’ll briefly contemplate just giving it all up and letting the water take you in. But suddenly you’ll remember “Game of Thrones” returns July 16 and you’ll exhaust yourself swimming back to shore.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Attempting a paleo diet using only readily available, locally sourced foods, you’ll primarily subsist this summer on okra and mullet. Coincidentally, your friends will describe your general demeanor during this experiment as both prickly and slimy.