Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Inspired by the 50th anniversary of Bloody Sunday in Selma but disenchanted with the Alabama Attorney General’s fight against gay marriage, you intend to lead an equally poignant march from Mobile to Montgomery, beginning at the Dolly Parton Bridge. You will be stopped in the cleavage by Alabama State Troopers — not to discourage your effort, but because you are a legitimate traffic hazard. All is not lost however, as busloads of elderly tourists headed for the Indian casinos stop in solidarity and a massive dance party breaks out on the left breast.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Eager to help out with the police chief’s new tactics against crime, you construct riot gear out of cardboard and begin storming your neighbors’ homes. Turning the places upside down in search of illicit narcotics and contraband, you are disappointed when lab results reveal that powder you thought was cocaine was just confectioner’s sugar and those flakes you were sure were crack were just shavings from homemade candles. Undeterred, you present the evidence to a grand jury who returns promptly with an indictment: your neighbors are lame.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — You’ll take your Bible study a bit too far, when you get drunk on Jesus juice and attempt to walk on water, like your Lord and savior. It obviously goes poorly, but you’ll be saved by a pair of bikini-clad co-eds on spring break, so it won’t be all bad. You’ll pretend to be unconscious in hopes they’ll give you mouth-to-mouth, but instead they’ll enlist the help of the burly lifeguard on duty. You’ll quickly jump to your feet in a demonstration of good health. You decide to lay off the wine for a while.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll be stuck in jail without bond while awaiting trial. You’ll hear great stories in the clink and become somewhat fearful for your life, when you tell fellow inmates how you ended up behind bars. Unfortunately, stealing a golf cart and smoothie while being entranced by a video game is not the type of crime that earns jailhouse respect. At the same time, you’ll begin jonesing for a way to scratch the virtual itch. You’ll begin to reassess your life decisions, locked away from society.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — The day after your episode of “Ghost Hunters” airs you’ll get a call from a producer who wants you and Richard Stain to star in your own reality series. Excited by the news, you’ll tell Richard about the opportunity, but he’ll decline and accuse you of taking advantage of him because he’s emotionally challenged. He’ll get a group of the undead together to protest the production company and you’ll continue to be jobless. This will further strain your relationship with your ghoulish friend.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — A mysterious message on social media will leave you paranoid this week. The message, containing only the acronym “ISIS,” will rub you the wrong way, and you’ll immediately jump to the conclusion that Jihadi John has tracked you down. Naturally, you’ll want to keep your head, so you’ll alert a national conservative news outlet. Surprisingly, they’ll laugh in your face instead of stirring up their usual one-sided garbage. Instead of giving up your first born daughter, you’ll just join ISIS instead. Your lucky charm this month is a black ski mask.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — While still debating whether #TheDress is white and gold or black and blue, you’ll start a GoFundMe account to prove the dress is actually purple and green. You’ll market a scientific study called “Pure Imagination,” and your campaign, quickly garnering national attention on Twitter, will earn you more money than you know what to do with. But before you can take it to the bank, a lawyer for Willy Wonka will hit you with a lawsuit for stealing the copyrighted phrase. At least you’ll be awarded a coveted everlasting gobstopper.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — After hearing several members of your favorite SEC football team were attacked during a high-profile rap concert at an infamous spring break location, you’ll become outraged. Unable to sit idly by and allow such despicable behavior, you’ll develop a scheme to seek revenge. The plan, consisting of several pit bulls disguised as bulldogs, will seem like a genius idea, but before you can unleash the beasts, the canines will turn on you and run away to Tuscaloosa, where they track down a head coach’s daughter known for other alleged brutal attacks. RTR!
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Almost a whole week after recovering from the “Spring Forward” fiasco, you’ll still be getting to work behind schedule. When you’re fired for repeated truancy, you’ll do the only rational thing and aggressively blame Germany — a country whose people developed the concept of daylight savings. Too cheap to fly, you’ll take your rage to LoDa Bier Garten and stand on Joachim Street hurling sausages at the window shouting “give my hour back, Krauts” until you’re ultimately arrested and charged with disturbing the peace.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — Workplace anger will get the best of you, and you’ll begin aggressively punching your padded cubicle. What would normally be an intense but ultimately safe expression of your inner angst soon becomes the fight of your life, as the office furniture assumes its final form and challenges you in combat. An unlikely master of jiu jitsu, Cubie — as you’ve grown to know him — holds his own for a few rounds but ultimately perishes at your superior hand. A single tear rolls down your face as you send his remains out to sea on a flaming, paper boat.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — You’ll get invited to a reunion for your old college fraternity Kappa Kappa Kappa this week. With fraternal organizations getting bad press in the national news, it’ll be a good time to catch up with the boys and discuss how to protect the brand and its public image. As you and other wealthy anglo saxons from larger metropolitan cities in Alabama work to find a way to outwardly express your inner commitment to diversity and inclusivity, the thought will cross your mind that — barring some significant and fundamental changes — this might be an uphill battle.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — With Spring Break 2015 in full effect, you head to the beach to get your game on. Unbeknownst to you, the game has changed considerably since you last played, and the opposite sex is not drawn in as you sit in the sand reading a Jack Kerouac book and listening to Sleater-Kinney on a portable CD player. Taking a cue from Taurus, you mock drown in the Gulf, hoping you’ll at least get some CPR action. But CPR has also changed, and as a beautiful hero pulls you from the water, they break several of your ribs performing chest compressions in lieu of mouth-to-mouth.